Pieces of Candy
by Lord Wolfe
Summary: Continuation of my Bleach parody Candy. Ichigo as the Soul King now, getting into crazy adventures. With great power comes great fun. Filler arcs, Bleach movies, and crossovers. Each chapter will be like a one shot.
1. Chapter 1

**ICHIGO'S HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE**

"Best Halloween ever!" Ichigo shouted dumping a pillowcase full of candy on the living room table.

"I'm guessing you had fun?" Orihime asked a little miffed, but still happy that her husband had a good time. With his disappearance the soul king the royal guard freaked out like they usually did when Ichigo decided to go off and do whatever what he wanted. And she was stuck here dealing with them. Though Kisuke and Soma didn't panic nearly as much as the other three. "So what did you do?"

"Oh where do I begin?" He slipped off his red Japanese Oni mask and started his story.

FLASHBACK-Unknown Location

"Oh this an easy part time job!" Ichigo said in a delighted tone as he spun around in his office chair. It was the night before Halloween and he picked up a simple part time job somewhere in America because he was bored. The place needed an overnight security guard and Ichigo just happened to be walking by the establishment when he saw the help wanted sign. Next thing he knew, he was sitting in a small security office with two metal closable doors on the left and right sides. On the desk in front of him sat a computer screen connected to the various cameras throughout the building, a phone, and a metal fan that kept him moderately cool. The phone rang and Ichigo happily pushed the answer button, eager to talk to someone.

" _Uh, hello! Hello! Hello! Uhh, I wanted to leave you message to help you on your first night_ ", Ichigo sighed in disappointment, it was just a recording. " _Welcome to Freddy Fazzbear's Pizza, a magical place for kids and adults_ ".

"How charming", Ichigo smiled listening to the recording. His smile dropped when the voice on the phone mentioned something about the character animatronics on the stage moving around the establishment at night. "Wait what did you mean by that?"

" _Just try to keep an eye on the cameras, and uh…good luck_ ", the voice said and then click.

"What did you mean!?" Ichigo shouted shaking the phone. "Ah shit!" He worriedly leaned over to the computer screen and began pushing buttons to filter through the different cameras. "Okay don't panic Ichigo, look they're all on stage, no one's moved, I'm safe", in act of tragic irony the camera feed suddenly went out. "What the fuck!?" Repeatedly pushing the button until the live feed finally came back. "Oh thank god", Ichigo sighed in relief. "They haven't moved…wait a second…where's the fucking bunny!?" Going through the camera's he finally found the bunny character in the parts and services room. "Good, it's not heading towards me yet", wiping the sweat from his brow he decided to check the other animatronics.

"Hm, I'm guessing the bear one is Freddy", Ichigo remarked looking at the two characters still on the stage. Checking the bunny again he found it was gone, a few frantic seconds later and he found it on camera just down the left hallway. "Fuck my life, why did I agree to work here?" He took his eyes off that one, wanting to check on the stage again. They were all gone and off the stage now. "No! No! No! No! NO!" Ichigo found the chicken thing in the party room, the bunny was still in the halls, but Freddy was nowhere to be found, that concerned him greatly.

"Wait, that guy said something about a fourth character…Foxy, in…what was it?" Ichigo tapped his head in thought. "Pirate Cove!" Quickly flipping through the camera feeds he found what he was looking for. There was no character, the curtain was open with a sigh saying 'It's Me' just sitting there. "Ooooooh that's not good", Ichigo said while biting his nails. He flipped the camera back to the left hall hoping the bunny hadn't moved. Instead he was treated to a moment of utter shock and horror as he watched the pirate fox run straight down the hall towards his security office. The animatronic was about to stick its head through the office door and screech, but Ichigo in a panic simply shouted the first thing that came to mind. "BANKAI!"

The entire Freddy Fazzbear's Pizza exploded in a cloud of dark energy. The restaurant reduced to rubble and the animatronics inside turned into piles of spare parts. Ichigo stood where the office had once been.

"Oops", Ichigo looked around at the destruction he caused in a moment of terror. "Yeah, I should…probably go", he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly before disappearing into a garganta.

END FLASHBACK

"Those animatronics were terrifying", Ichigo said while Orihime rubbed his shoulders with an amused smile. To think that the mighty Soul King would be scared of a few robots made to look like cartoon animals.

"So what did you do then?" She asked picking a piece of candy from his pile.

"Well I met these strange women at a party in America's New York city", Ichigo said starting the next part of his story.

FLASHBACK-New York City

"Are you all having a good time!?" Everyone dressed up at the costume party stood back in terror. The party was going great until this loud energetic spirit showed up in the club, freaking everybody out, then proceeded to sing and get busy on the dance floor. The ghost appeared to be a tall eighteen year old with long messy neon orange hair. He was dressed in a black suite with a white pin stripes, his red dress shirt left open at the top with the collar up. But what scared the humans were the demonic looking horns sticking out of his hair and the red Japanese demon mask that hid his face.

"Why are you all just standing their shaking? Let's party!" The spirit shouted as the costumed club invites backed up to the walls. Luckily the club owner had called the "experts", and they should be here any second now.

"Alright everyone can relax! We're here!" A group of four women came through the front door. They all were matching jumpsuits and carried some sort of device on their backs.

"Alright I'll bite, what the hell is this?" The masked ghost asked floating down to the floor. He was a little annoyed that everyone was now evacuated at the arrival of these women, leaving the club empty.

"So, what do we got?" Patty asked.

"He looks like no class four full roaming vapor I've ever seen", Abby said grabbing the proton blaster. "What do you think Holtzmann?"

"Well he's a meter breaker that's for sure", Jillian said holding the flashing PKE meter.

"That high?" Erin asked getting her proton pack ready.

"No he literally broke the meter", she showed the broken and fizzling PKE meter.

"It's gonna take all our proton streams to bring him in", Abby said adjusting her glasses. "Everybody ready?"

"Seriously? You don't think those little toys will have any effect on me?" The ghost chuckled until they fired at him. "OW! FUCK! THAT HURT!" They turned off the streams, surprised with how human the ghost acted. "Holy shit! What did you just hit me with!?" Ichigo said pulling off his mask and rubbing the spot on his chest they hit. "That better not leave a burn mark"

"The proton streams just bounced off of him", Holtzmann said in surprise. "I don't think we're dealing with a regular ghost".

"I'm not a ghost you idiots, I'm technically a transcendent being", Ichigo said wiping the ash off his suite.

"What the hell's a transient being?" Patty asked.

"I think he said transgender being", Abby said.

"I heard transparent", Holtzmann added.

"Transcendent being…is what I am", Ichigo pointed at himself sounding mildly offended. "Who are you women anyway?" He asked sticking a cherry lollypop in his mouth.

"We're the Ghostbusters, and we're here to bust you", Erin said trying to sound tough and failing.

"Wait the Ghostbusters, I've heard of you, but I thought you were all men", Ichigo wondered. "Unless you those effeminate looking men like Yumichika?"

"Nope fully women, up to code and everything", Holtzmann shot back.

"Wow we are terribly misinformed", Ichigo mumbled.

"We?" Erin questioned.

"The soul society of course, wait you all battle the paranormal and don't know about the soul society and the shinigami?" He was honestly surprised.

"What's a shini-gami?" Patty asked.

"I think it's a Japanese death god", Abby spoke up hearing the term before. Ichigo went on to explain to the Ghostbusters the soul society, how it worked, and what the shinigami did. He also told them about hollows, helping them understand what they by classifying them as malevolent spirits.

"Are you a shinigami then?" Erin asked. Ichigo just laughed.

"No, not anymore, I kind of rule them now. I'm called the Soul King there, I'm the most powerful being in all the realms", he said with pride while their jaws hung open.

"So you're like god or something?" Patty said in shock.

"Pretty much", Ichigo chuckled.

"Funny I always imagined god as an old man, like Yahweh, not an attractive Japanese teenager", Holtzmann said clicking her tongue.

"Yahweh? Oh! That guy was real, but his name was actually pronounced Yhwach", Ichigo sounded out the name for them. "He was the god before me"

"So there is a Christian god?" Abby brought up in an 'AH HA' moment.

"Was, being the keyword here, I killed him and took his power", Ichigo said like it was nothing.

"YOU KILLED GOD!?" Patty shouted waving her proton blaster at him.

"He was an asshole and a spoiled brat", Ichigo argued. "Always bitching and crying about how he should be ruler of the universe, 'My name is Yhwach and I deserve all the power and should be the one who controls everything, blah, blah, I can see the future, yak, yak", he said in a mocking immature voice. "Didn't see me coming and taking away everything he cared about, now did he?", Ichigo laughed.

"So you're like the devil then", Abby said.

"Well I am extremely hot and a rebel at heart, but I wouldn't go so far as say that I'm Satan himself", Ichigo shrugged.

"So wait, if you and your shinigami run the afterlife, then why didn't you send anyone to stop Rowan when he tried to break the barriers and unleash ghosts on the city?" Erin asked.

"Oh yeah, I heard about that incident, you see the thing about that is…", Ichigo paused dramatically as they lean in to hear his explanation. "Shit happens", they Ghostbusters almost fell over at that. "We're not perfect on the other side, we try to run things as best we can, but sometimes things go wrong and we do what we can to fix it", that seemed to satisfy them.

"Speaking of Rowan, aren't you worried someone like him is in the soul society?" Abby asked.

"Rowan? Was he that giant cartoony Pillsbury Dough Boy looking thing?" They nodded their heads at the description. "Yeah, he ended up in one of the mid districts of the Rukongai and started smashing stuff, but don't worry they sent my little ice princess Rukia and she turned him into snowflakes", well that was a relief, Ichigo then made a garganta right in front of them. "Any way I'd love to stay and chat, see you around Ghostbusters. I'll make sure to send a couple of shinigami to give you all a hand here", he waved them goodbye while they did the same as he stepped through his portal.

END FLASHBACK

"They were alright, not great, but just kind of…meh!" Ichigo shrugged. "At least they're trying, what are those nobodies on YouTube doing with their lives?", Orihime just stared at him. "Oh that's right…not being ghostbusters!"

"So what did you do after that?" She asked.

"Went around trick or treating in the U.S of A", he grinned. "There was this one creepy looking place I found".

FLASHBACK PENNSYLVANIA

Ichigo walked down a foggy road carrying a bag full of candy he got from various towns and cities he found interesting. He stopped right in front of a large green wooden sign that read 'Welcome to Silent Hill', spitting the lollypop out of his mouth he just laughed.

"Aha ha ha ha, nope", he turned around and immediately left.

END FLASHBACK

"Sooooo, the nights still young, what are we doing tonight", he raised his eye brow at her suggestively.

"They're having a Halloween party in the seireitei remember", Orihime smiled at him.

"Really they actually embracing the holiday!?" Ichigo grinned.

"You threatened to fire them all if they didn't have a party remember", she reminded him.

"Oh that doesn't sound like something I would do", Ichigo said with fake innocence. A few minutes later they were in their large bedroom where they got dressed for the costume party. Orihime stepped out of the closet wearing a white flowing gown, that combined with her already existing white wings made the image quite clear. "Your sexy angel, nice", he gave her a thumbs up.

"I'm just a regular angel", Orihime corrected quickly with a blush. "What about you?" Ichigo stood up showing that he was shirtless with a pair of brown tattered pants and stitches painted all over his body. "I'm Frankenstein, the monster not the person, don't want to get those literature dorks all pissy", he remarked. "Ready to go?" he asked opening a small garganta to the seireitei.

"Lead the way sweetie", Orihime said.

"Let's go show those idiots how do the time warp", Ichigo laughed walking through the portal.

* * *

 **First chapter a Halloween crossover special!**

 **Now before you all jump on me about Ghostbusters, relax, its just a movie. I know people are passionate about movies they love, I get it, if someone tried to reboot Harry Potter I would be upset, but I would get over it. I'm not going to say my stance on the Ghostbusters movie because that's a huge shit storm waiting to happen, I'm neutral like Sweden.**

 **I also thought it would be funny to do Five Nights at Freddy's crossover. Just Bankai and problem solved.**

 **I plan on doing a few of the Bleach Movies and filler arcs next, each as a single chapter.**

 **Thanks for reading this weird parody.**


	2. Chapter 2

**LET'S PLAY A GAME. I'LL BE GOD YOU'L BE THE DEVIL AND WE'LL TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER FOR ALL ETERNITY. DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE FUN?**

"I wonder what they're up to in the seireitei", Ichigo said to himself while throwing darts at a picture of Yhwach's face with the words 'Nazi Douche' written on his forehead. He hadn't heard from them in a while. Writing a quick note on his desk for Orihime telling her that he would be making a trip to Soul Society, would be back later, and a list of all the things he would do to her body when he got back.

"Now I can't visit the Gotei thirteen without an elaborate entrance", Ichigo grinned and went to one of the lower levels of his soul palace to get some things.

SEIREITEI-CAPTAINS MEETING

"This is bad, this is really bad", captain of squad of nine Renji Abarai said with a bit of panic. The rest of the captains in the meeting room were equally anxious, though some hid it well. The reason for their fears. A man named Muramasa appeared and somehow turned their own Zanpakuto spirits against them after fully manifesting them out in the open and used them to attack the seireitei.

"Get ahold of yourself Captain Abarai!" Soi Fon yelled. "We all lost our Zanpakutos".

"Just who is this Muramasa?" Ukitake asked aloud.

"More importantly, where did our spirits disappear to?" Hitsugaya said.

"I don't see how this could get any worse", Kirinji the former squad zero member, now reassigned to captain of squad four said. Just when he spoke that the doors burst open and in rode Ichigo on a motorcycle wearing a leather jacket and matching pants.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS UP!?" Ichigo laughed stopping the bike right in the middle of the captain and revving the engine a few times. Everyone groaned in frustration, it figures the mad soul king had to show up now of all times. Sure things in soul society were running much smoother now under his rule, but Ichigo was still bat shit crazy and liked to use it to mess with them whenever he was bored, happy, or all of the emotions in between.

"Of course", Byakuya said sarcastically while silently cursing his luck.

"Sooooo…I noticed a lot of buildings were destroyed around here, what's that all about?" Ichigo asked sticking a cherry flavored lollypop in his mouth. No one wanted to answer, Soi Fon tried to explain but Ichigo just kept revving the throttle loudly every time she spoke cutting her off.

"Could you please stop that Ichigo", Shinji asked getting irritated.

"Is that any way to address your king?" Ichigo asked with a glare while raising his reiatsu a bit. The captains swallowed nervously at the feeling until he started laughing and released the pressure. "I'm kidding! I don't care how you address me. Soi Fon is trying to skull fuck me with her eyes right now and I don't care because I'm picturing her without clothes", the stealth force commander turned bright red at the humiliation and tried to think of come back. "If it makes you feel any better, Yoruichi says that she pictures you naked all the time", Soi Fon fell to the floor having fainted from the shock.

"That's how we do it", Ichigo smirked snapping his fingers in a z pattern. "So Kyoraku, bring me up to speed", he said getting off the bike. Kyoraku smiled at the soul king's antics and went on to explain the situation that they found themselves.

"So this Muramasa prick appeared last night, turned the spirits of your Zanpakutos against you, they wrecked the place, and now they are currently hiding somewhere", Ichigo summarized looking at all of them. "Is that the gist of it?"

"Yes", Ukitake nodded.

"Alright looks like I'm here to stay until this gets cleaned up", Ichigo smirked clapping his hands together.

"What about the royal guard?" Captain Renji asked.

"Oh they don't know I'm here", everyone sweat dropped and some even smacked their foreheads in frustration. "I'd say we got about twelve hours until they figure out I'm not in the soul palace", Ichigo said glancing at his Disney watch.

LATER

Rukia Kuchiki and her Zanpakuto Sode no Shirayuki battled each other. Without her shikai and bankai abilities Rukia was forced to rely on kido while the spirit had full access to its abilities and then some. Before their blades could clash once more a blur of orange and black appeared between them.

"Whoa time out! Girls! Girls! You're both pretty!" Ichigo stood in the middle lazily holding both of their blades.

"Ichigo!" Rukia was surprised to see the Soul King here, now of all times dressed in his black sleeveless and backless skin tight top, black fingerless gloves that went up to his biceps and matching hakama pants with boots.

"What up shrimp?" Ichigo grinned at her tossing his long unruly orange hair. "Miss me?" Rukia wanted to scowl at him but a sudden wave of ice from Sode no Shirayuki about to impact her friend surprised her.

"Look out!" She shouted.

"Please", Ichigo rolled his eyes and without turning around simply flicked his wrist at the ice and blew it away with a massive shockwave. "That all you got snow white!?" Ichigo grinned looking at the stoic Zanpakuto. Sode no Shirayuki prepared another attack.

"And just who might you be?" Ichigo turned hearing a voice from the left. Standing atop one of the roofs was a brown haired man dressed in white robes with absurdly long fingernails.

"Well hello there", Ichigo waved at the newcomer. "Nice fingernails, I bet you give great back scratches. Is it hard to jerk off with those?" Muramasa just glared at him with disgust.

"Your reiatsu is far beyond that of the captains, but I don't remember seeing you in the seireitei before", the spirit looked down at Ichigo in confusion.

"Oh! You must be that Masume guy I heard about", Ichigo said.

"I am Muramasa", he corrected.

"Morsmordre"

"Muramasa"

"Mitsubushi", Ichigo chuckled.

"Who are you?" Muramasa demanded getting annoyed.

"What you haven't heard?" Ichigo looked over at Rukia. "Hear that shrimp, he hasn't heard", with his hands held out he introduced himself in a sinister tone. "I'm the new Soul King, the Dark Lord Ichigo!", weirdly a clap of thunder echoed across the city, but there was not a cloud in the sky.

"Don't claim the title of dark lord!" Rukia yelled at him.

"But it just rolls off the tongue so nice", Ichigo argued while emphasizing his title with his hands. "Dark…Lord…Ichigo. Oh! Doesn't that just sound incredibly sexy?"

"No it doesn't it" Rukia and her Zanpakuto said simultaneously. It seems Ichigo being a prick was the one thing they agreed on.

"When it comes out of my Hime's mouth it does", Ichigo closed his eyes while reminiscing how she called him that in bed. "Great now I'm aroused!"

"You're the soul king?" Muramasa couldn't believe this. Wait a second! The soul king was the strongest being in sol society, hell the entire universe. His Zanpakuto must be incredibly powerful. Getting an idea Muramasa jumped off the roof and charged towards Ichigo in an attempt to use his power on him.

"Watch it Freddy Krueger!" Ichigo remarked ducking out of the way of the spirits hands. As he leaped back he suddenly found himself stuck in midair and unable to move his body. While looking around trying to figure out what was binding him he spotted his reflection in some of the ice left behind from Rukia's Zanpakuto spirit. "Oh that's clever", Ichigo complimented seeing the invisible hands in the reflection holding him in the air. Muramasa took his chance and moved forward reaching into his soul to drag out his Zanpakuto.

ICHIGO'S INNER WORLD

In a vast desert covered by shattered ruins from the palace in the sky that was demolished and fell from the heavens. A pale figure sat on a broken throne surrounded by the rubble, with a bunch of identical beautiful bat winged women lounging around him. The pale figure suddenly opened his eyes, sensing something off.

"This is starting to get interesting", he smirked getting standing up from his throne.

REAL WORLD

A black explosion eclipsed both Ichigo and Muramasa. The entire Gotei finally arrived to the scene only to see the blast before they could stop anything.

"Ichigo!" Rukia shouted into the cloud of smoke.

"Stop shouting I'm fine", Ichigo himself walked out of the cloud looking relatively alright. "What up?"

"What happened in there?" Ukitake was the first to ask.

"The fellow with the scary fingernails did something to me", Ichigo said not really caring.

"Did he release your Zanpakuto?" Renji asked with worry.

" **I've got no strings to hold me down…",** a creepy distorted voice sang from the inside of the smoke in front of them. **" To make me fret to make me frown".**

"Yes Red, yes he did", Ichigo didn't seem scared at all while internally everyone was panicking. The Zanpakuto of the soul king was now manifested in their world and free to do as he wished, who wouldn't panic.

" **I had strings, but now I'm free…",** Out of the smoke stepped an exact copy of Ichigo except it was bleached pure white, had yellow on black eyes with goat like pupils, and pointed horns sticking out of his mane of long hair. He was dressed in a white long coat with thick black fur trimming the sleeves and collar, white pants, black boots with skulls printed on the top. His coat was left open revealing his muscular chest where the necklaces and chains around his neck decorated with skulls, pentagrams and a medallion shaped like an eye could be seen. His claw like hands were decorated with several rings, one shaped like a sliver skull, one shaped like a serpent eating its tale and a gold ring with a black diamond shaped jewel. **"There are…no strings on me",** Yami grinned an insane smile at Ichigo who only grinned back.

"This is bad", Kyoraku said nonchalantly despite how nervous he was.

" **You have no fucking idea",** Yami laughed. Muramasa smirked seeing he now had the strongest Zanpakuto on his side and vanished along with Yami.

"This is starting to get interesting", Ichigo chuckled, not at all concerned.

"How can you be so relaxed?", Byakuya asked with a glare. "The situation can't get any worse"

"It's actually much worse than you all think. He won't obey Muramasa", Ichigo noticed all the questions in their eyes so he decided to explain. "Do you ever wonder where I get all this crazy from? Trust me when I say that my Zanpakuto is much worse, much more insane than me. Think of me…without a filter".

"What the hell do you mean filter?" Renji snapped at him. As far as he and everybody else knew, Ichigo said and did whatever he wanted without remorse or restraint.

"The funny thing is, I don't think you all could handle me at full crazy, so I tone it down", the captains were shocked to hear this. Ichigo was always holding back how twisted he really was. "You all saw a glimpse of how psycho I can be during the Quincy war. Now imagine if you will, a version of me without that restraint and you have my Zanpakuto spirit O no Yami", everyone's eyes went even wider as they realized the horror that the fool Muramasa just unleashed on not only himself, but on all of them.

"OH DEAR GOD!" Renji yelled

"I think it's safe to assume that Muramasa bit off a lot more than he could chew", Kyoraku said getting serious.

"Speaking of chewing, I could go for a big…cheeseburger", Ichigo's stomach growled. "As the soul king I command one of you to point me to the nearest restaurant!" Rukia sighed in aggravation and pointed one out for him.

UNKNOWN CAVERN

"My fellow Zanpakuto I have wonderful news", Muramasa said sitting down in a chair due to exhausting his powers from releasing his new comrade. "In the last battle I was able to free the Zanpakuto of the Soul King himself and bring him over to our cause", the cave suddenly went silent while all the spirits turned pale at what he just said.

"Um…did you just say that you freed the Zanpakuto of Ichigo….Kurosaki?" Senbonzakura questioned with an anxious tone.

"You should all be happy, with his power on our side we'll be unbeatable", everyone took a fearful step back from Muramasa when Yami appeared directly behind where he sat. The white doppelganger of Ichigo gently massaged Muramasa's neck and shoulders.

" **Blah blah blah blah blaaah",** Yami said with a creepy tone. " **All that chit chat's gonna get yah hurt",** he said slapping his hands on the spirits shoulder's making him jump in surprise. Yami leaned over growling rather animalistic at Muramasa while he circled him like a predator stalking its prey. Muramasa remained perfectly still where he sat as an aura of absolute horror and madness poured from the Soul King's Zanpakuto. Standing straight Yami held his hand out expecting something. Muramasa looked at the other Zanpakuto spirits for help but they just stood there waiting for him to pay respects to the most powerful spirit in the room. Not knowing what else to do Muramasa kissed the silver skull shaped ring on his finger. Yami just watched him silently then out of nowhere suddenly moved forward with a grin and sat on the other's lap.

" **I can tell you meant that",** he cackled slowly grabbing the spirits his neck and face. **"You gonna be my friend?"** Yami asked with a frown.

"Y-y-yes", Muramasa stuttered in terror. The pale version of Ichigo just smiled in the creepiest way possible.

" **Good, I can't wait to show you my toys** ", he said while tapping the spirit's scared face. The other Zanpakuto spirits were starting to wonder if their wielders would take them back.

RESTAURANT

"Alright let's assess the situation", the head captain said standing from his seat in the middle of the long table at the burger place that they followed Ichigo to. The other captains and lieutenants sat in different spots around the table listening to Kyoraku while Ichigo himself ate his meal at the head of the table. "What kind of damage do you think Ichigo's Zanpakuto can do?" The Soul king wasn't even paying attention he was too busy eating his cheeseburger while reading a Naruto manga.

"Ha, Sasuke….you dumb bitch", Ichigo chuckled turning a page.

"Can you please focus, so we can figure out a way to stop your insane Zanpakuto", Soi Fon snapped at him.

"Oh don't worry he always does this, you know try to destroy me", Ichigo said turning another page.

"Wait your Zanpakuto tries to kill you?" Ukitake asked with concern.

"It's a game we play all the time that's all. One of us pretends to be god, one of us is the devil and then we try to destroy each other. It's really fun, we always laugh and have a good time", he chuckled taking another bite of his meal.

"This isn't a game Ichigo", Rukia said sternly.

"That's where your wrong my fine vertically challenged friend", Ichigo laughed at her pissed off expression. "To us it is a game, but what I advise to the rest of you is not to interfere with our game when he shows up. Yami doesn't like other players unless he invites them to join"

"Like hell", Kenpachi grinned at the prospect of a strong opponent.

"I'm serious Kenpachi, Yami isn't as merciful as me, I'm only giving you a fair warning", Ichigo said knowing it wouldn't convince the captain. Oh well ,he'll understand soon enough. A loud boom followed by a small earthquake stopped any further conversation. "Let the games begin"

OUTSIDE

The Zanpakuto spirits were attacking the seireitei once again. Oddly enough their attacks seemed very random without a target or purpose. The shinigami split up to find and deal with their own individual spirits. Ichigo stood facing off against Senbonzakura, Hyorinmaru and Zabimaru without an ounce of fear despite being surrounded by the Zanpakutos of three captains. Before they could start, his phone rang.

"Time out!" Ichigo shouted answering the call. "Yello! Oh hey Hime!" He smiled hearing his soon to be wife on the other end. "No everything's fine here", he spoke while the Zanpakuto spirits stood frozen too afraid to attack him right now. "Yeah give me about three hours and I'll have this wrapped up in a jiffy", Ichigo smiled listening to her concerns. "When I get back I'm going to rock your world sweetie", the others just sighed in annoyance. "That's right…all the whipped cream baby", he said suggestively before hanging up then cleared his throat. "Ahem, wrong number".

"Do you have to make a fool of yourself all the time?" Senbonzakura asked in manner similar to his wielder Byakuya.

"You would know…being Byakuya's Zanpakuto", he chuckled. They were about to mount another attack on Ichigo when a sudden dark reiatsu washed over them all. The only one unaffected by it was of course Ichigo himself. "I was wondering when you were going to make a move in this game of ours!" He shouted looking passed the others to see Yami himself standing atop a nearby building. Surprising many of the shinigami was that Muramasa was there with him expect he was tied to a metal cross with a gag keeping his mouth shut.

" **Fancy meeting you here Ichigo!"** Yami laughed while smacking Muramasa in the head for trying to yell through the gag.

"This is a shock, I figured even a sadistic bastard like you would at least be grateful to the one he set you loose in the world" Ichigo commented taking a bite of the chocolate bar he seemed to have obtained from nowhere.

" **Oh we were cool",** the white Ichigo grinned and gripped the bound Muramasa by the throat. **"But then he tried to boss me around and so he ended up in this predicament with me taking over his little rebellion"** , Yami grinned and jumped off the roof to land in between Ichigo and the other Zanpakuto spirits that he was previously fighting. **"Unfortunately for them I don't really give a flying fuck what their beefs are with the shinigami, I just want to play our little game again out in the real world where stakes are raised!"** He laughed hysterically.

"Alright now you're talking", Ichigo laughed as well. Senbonzakura, Hyorinmaru, and the two parts of Zabimaru ran like the dickens, not wanting to get caught in between these two titans. "So you want to be god or the devil this time".

" **I like playing Satan, but then again, playing god is just as fun",** Ichigo rolled his eyes at his words. He knew it didn't matter what role they picked, the point of the game was to destroy the other.

"How do you want to start El Blanco", Ichigo joked.

" **Like this!"** Yami grinned pointing his sharp finger at Ichigo forming a black ball of energy. **"Cero Oscuros!"**

"Oh balls", Ichigo flash stepped out of the path of the dark destructive blast. The cero destroyed a line of buildings in its path, while being powerful enough to shake the city in its wake. "Okay new rule, let's not do that again".

" **Your just jelly that you can't use my powers now that I'm outside** ", Yami grinned.

"Your right, I can't", Ichigo said dejectedly. His white copy laughed and summoned a large black sword that he used to charge at him with. As soon as he brought the blade down Ichigo caught it with his bare hand that was covered in red glowing veins. "Well look at that, I can still use my Quincy powers", Yami's eyes widened in surprise. "In the words of Scooby Doo, Ruh Roh", Ichigo smiled and slammed his fist into his double's stomach sending him flying. With a simple snap of his fingers Ichigo fired a barrage of black reishi arrows at the other's body.

" **Cheap mother fucker!"** Yami growled smacking the projectiles away with his bare hands.

"Hey who am I?" Ichigo asked while using his black reishi to make a fake moustache. "I can see the future, blah, blah, BLAH!"

" **I should have figured without me you would use the powers that you stole from that old fuck face",** Yami sneered at him.

"Hey! He stole those powers from the Quincies, I merely relieved him of what was not his and then used them to enhance my own", Ichigo argued.

" **How does it feel? Being a parasite like he was",** the white version of Ichigo asked.

"It feels sexy", Ichigo answered surprising the other that he wasn't denying. "What? Your right I am a parasite. I feed off the love I get from Orihime, and the attention and admiration of my friends. That's what makes me strong, without it I would die", he said with a smile. "The power I sucked out of Yhwach is nothing compared to that".

" **Oh I can't wait to crush you",** Yami grinned summoning another black blade. **"First thing I'll do when your gone is plow that pretty girlfriend of yours, on top of that bear skin rug in your office".**

"Talking about fucking my future wife. Is that really a road you want to go down with me?" Ichigo said rather darkly. "Tell you what, I'll let you hit me with your best shot. If I'm amused I won't kick your dick in"

" **I love it when you talk dirty to me!",** Yami grinned and jumped back to get some distance as his reiatsu increased dramatically.

"Bring it, you silly pale bitch!" Ichigo stood still as he watched his counterpart hold his sword in the air and gathered his hollow reishi together forming a huge glowing beam shaped like a crescent moon.

" **Getsuga…Gran Rey Cero!"** Yami grinned wildly throwing the large crescent shaped attack right at his opponent. Ichigo smiled letting the attack come at him.

"Oh how cute he named it OH SHIT!" The attack hit him dead on carving through the ground and Ichigo's body. When the dust settled he stood there with a giant bleeding gash in his torso. The white version of himself stood there laughing hysterically at him. "You…think…this is funny?", Ichigo struggled to stand clutching his wound while Yami laughed even harder. "You think this is funny!" He continued to laugh at his double. "It's not as funny…as your face", Ichigo smiled and suddenly dissolved into black dust. The real Ichigo walked out of the shadows. His eyes glowed yellow while his pupils were stretched horizontally into oval shapes.

" **Cheating son of a bitch",** Yami growled at him.

"You forgot about my 'A' ability, didn't you?" Ichigo asked bemused. Snapping his fingers he used the power of the Antecedent to summon numerous versions of himself from alternate pasts. "Sick him!" All the carbon copies charged Yami with all sorts of different weapons. In an instant they were all obliterated into dust by a large black mass.

" **I'm going to skull fuck your corpse when I'm done with you!",** Yami shouted when the blast died down.

"Ah. Scary", Ichigo said nonchalantly while summoning more copies with his transcendent ability to attack his Zanpakuto. Dodging another cero he landed on the roof next to a still bound and crucified Muramasa who could only silently stare at him. "Don't look to me for sympathy buddy. I could be at home in my palace with Orihime bent over the bed, but nooooo you had to start some shit. On a Friday too, you dick", Ichigo glared at the spirit.

" **Cero!"** The white Ichigo laughed hysterically while firing more hollow attacks at the real Ichigo destroying more clones and buildings of the seireitei.

"You shoot like a girl", Ichigo mocked dodging another cero and hiding behind a building.

" **Ichigo! Come and to play-ay!"** Yami charged another black cero on his finger and pointed it at the area he knew the other was hiding. **"Cero Oscuros!"** This one completely annihilated a small section of the city in one single burst.

"He's really going overboard", Ichigo remarked watching this all happen from the air. "Shunko", an orange glowing aura covered his body as the gravity around him began to shift and distort. With his left hand he made a lifting motion.

" **Whoa! Whoa!"** Yami was lifted into the air along with numerous bits of rubble and chunks of earth.

"What goes up, must come down!" Ichigo chuckled turning off his Shunko and letting gravity return to normal.

" **You diiiiiiick!"** Yami shouted as he fell to the ground as debris and rubble rained down on top of him.

"That all you got sugar cookie!" He yelled back.

" **Sugar cookie?"** Yami questioned crawling out of the mess.

"Well your certainly no strawberry filling like me", Ichigo grinned pissing his Zanpakuto off even more.

" **That's it! I'm going Bankai!"**

"Oh, you're going Bankai?"

" **Going Bankai"**

"He's going Bankai"

" **BAN!"** Yami held his arms in the air with a despicable grin on his face. **"KAI!"**

"Fuck me", Ichigo watched as the blackness exploded out of his white doppelganger, eclipsing everything around him in a dark viscous matter that seemed both a solid and a liquid, destroying everything it touched. At the center of this black maelstrom of chaos Yami stood laughing. "That's how you want to play it? Okay!"

"Teufel Bogen!" Raising his hand in the air he gathered his black reishi and it began forming a giant pentagram in the sky with a huge horned skull in the center. "Mephistopheles!" The skull opened its maw of sharp teeth and charged a giant black arrow poised to take Yami out.

" **Let's see who blinks first!"** The white Ichigo laughed maniacally.

"LET'S!" Ichigo shouted back.

* * *

"This is bad, they're both going to destroy the seireitei!" Rukia screamed at Renji while they watched the fight from a distance.

"We need to stop them", Captain Hitsugaya said while his Zanpakuto Hyorinmaru nodded his head. However he was stopped when Kyoraku appeared and grabbed Toshiro's shoulder.

"Wait, just watch", they all looked at him like he was nuts, but the man simply smiled seeing a familiar figure floating above Ichigo, not yet noticed by him.

* * *

" **FUCKING DIE!"** Yami hollered launching a massive wave of darkness at his enemy.

"YOU FIRST!" Ichigo yelled launching the massive black arrow. Right before their attacks met in the middle and destroyed the seireitei in the resulting a collision a gigantic yellow triangular shield appeared between the two. The attacks simultaneously hit the barrier and exploded upon impact, however instead of obliterating everything, the black energy that spread outwards was swallowed up by a golden light and then dispersed in a glittering shower of particles. Strangely enough, even the shockwave was completely cancelled out.

"Stop this right now!" Ichigo flinched from the voice coming from behind him. He turned and saw his wife to be Orihime floating in midair, her white and gold angel wings spread out, yellow flower shaped halo glowing above her head, dressed in a white tube top, and matching skirt. What really made him nervous was the serious look in her eyes.

'Uh-oh, I know that tone', Ichigo thought remembering the last time she spoke to him like this.

"What are you doing? I could feel everything from up in the soul palace", she looked mad.

"He started it!" Ichigo pointed at Yami hoping he would deflect her anger.

" **Hey! Don't drag me down with you asshole!"** Yami deactivated his bankai and made his way over to the couple. When he was close enough he suddenly paused as if caught in a daze while staring at Orihime. **"Holy…shit. That's what your girl looks like?"**

"I thought you could see her from inside my inner world?" Ichigo questioned amused.

" **Yeah, but I thought I was just seeing her the way you see her"** Yami floated over and began to circle Orihime looking her up and down. **"She is way hotter in person. I mean damn! Look at that!"** she blushed wildly at his compliments.

"I know she's something", Ichigo smirked.

"Don't change the subject", Orihime suddenly remembered why she was mad.

" **Where do you find a bra to fit those?"** He asked pointing at her large breasts.

"She doesn't wear a bra, she never does", Ichigo explained and much to his surprise a bunch of black blood shot from his white copy's nose. "Did you just get a nose bleed?"

" **NO!"** Yami lied whipping it away mumbling something about lucky bastards getting to sleep with sexy angels.

"Why are you jelly, don't you have a harem to play with?" Ichigo reminded him of the numerous amount of girls he created to keep the spirit of his Zanpakuto entertained.

" **I do, but if I had a girl like that. I wouldn't get a wink of sleep",** he said suggestively.

"I don't get much sleep either, just so you know", Ichigo said truthfully. "Why do you think I'm always tweaking out on sugar and caffeine", he just noticed something interesting, they stopped fighting. "So are we cool now"

" **Yeah we're cool, I just wanted to get out and have some fun",** Yami rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. Ichigo grabbed him and put him in a head lock.

"Awe! I can't stay mad at what is essentially me. I love me!" He laughed while his double fought against his hold.

" **Desire to kill…rising",** Yami growled.

"I guess we owe Orihime more than we think", Kyoraku chuckled while watching the scene. "She seems to be the only one that can get Ichigo and his Zanpakuto under control", Renji, Rukia and Toshiro were all slack jawed at what they just witnessed. All that escalation, just ended because she yelled at her boyfriend.

"Love will do that to a person", Ukitake said appearing a flash step. Yoruichi also appeared with him scoffing at what the captain just said.

"More like he's completely whipped", she remarked.

"Alright let me fix all of this", Orihime levitated herself high in the air spreading her wings nice and wide. Golden snowflakes of light rained down upon the seireitei, spreading into a shining mist. Everything it touched began repairing itself as if the flow of time was being reversed. Buildings were magically rebuilt, holes were filled until everything looked back to before this conflict started. Orihime even used her power to free the Zanpakuto spirits from whatever spell that Muramasa placed on their minds. Though they wouldn't return to inside their respective inner worlds for some time, until the reiatsu ran out.

"NO!" Muramasa still bound managed to loosen the gag in his mouth just as the gold mist touched him. "I won't go back! I WON'T!" In a matter of moments he was reverted into a single Zanpakuto that fell and clattered harmlessly to the ground.

"He was a Zanpakuto the whole time", Ichigo said walking over and picking the now silent blade up. "What a Shyamalan twist!" He snickered carrying the sword with him. "Hey Kyoraku, you want to lock this somewhere secure!" The soul king shouted tossing the blade. The head captain easily caught it with one hand. "I recommend Muken, give Aizen some company".

"Will do your highness", Kyoraku tipped his hat respectfully happy that everything was resolved rather easily.

"So Hime want to go back up to the palace for a little all night loving?" Ichigo asked vanishing over to his girlfriend and wrapping his arm around her waist.

"I'm still upset for the mess you made", Orihime said softly.

"I'm sorry, truly I am. Let me make it up to you", Ichigo whispered in her ear knowing how much that turned her on.

" **Can I join in!?"** Yami asked like an excited little boy.

"W-WHAT!?" Orihime's face turned impossibly red at what he was suggesting.

"I don't see why not. I mean Hime, he's basically me in my purest form, so it's not like having sex with someone else", Ichigo tried to explain in a way she would understand.

" **He's right we're one and the same. I just like violence and chaos a little more than him",** Even O no Yami tried to convince her.

"W-well um….okay. I guess it would be the same as being with two of you at the same time", Orihime sounded like she was going for this.

"Holy shit, you're actually going for this", Ichigo looked shocked.

" **Did we just get her to agree to a threesome?"** Even the white Ichigo was shocked. **"Fist bump"**

"Fist bump", Ichigo knocked fist with his copy. Yami quickly swept Orihime up carrying her bridal.

" **I'll get us started!"** He smiled opening a garganta that led to the soul palace. Orihime covered her face to hide her embarrassment especially with everyone looking at her.

"Crazy bastard", Ichigo chuckled watching them head through the portal.

"Pot, kettle, black", Yoruichi shot him a look that said he didn't know how good he had it.

"Well got to go, got a princess to ravish", he said in a fake British accent leaving through the garganta with a wave.

"Must be nice to be the king", Kyoraku chuckled.

* * *

 **Well this ended up being longer than I thought it would be. Sorry about the wait, since these are each one shots they take a while to do. The Zanpakuto rebellion was probably one of my favorite filler arcs, mainly because we got to see what the spirits of other Shinigami look like. Though I cant figure out why Koga Kuchiki was sealed away in the human world, why not Muken, if he was so dangerous? I'm ranting again, sorry.**

 **Next up I'm doing something with the Hell Verse movie. I've got some fun ideas for that one, plus the return of some shall we say familiar faces.**

 **I'll then do an Orihime chapter, basically something from her perspective in all this. Which will lead into the wedding story. I also might do a tournament arc just for fun.**

 **Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**THE BEST THING ABOUT HELL IS THAT YOU CAN TOTALLY WRECK THE PLACE, SLAUGHTER EVERYONE IN IT AND NO ONE WOULD GIVE A SHIT.**

"This is bad", Ukitake said aloud during the captains meeting. Currently Captain Renji Abarai along with Lieutenant Rukia Kuchiki were on a mission to another realm known as hell. The situation, apparently a group of sinners with special abilities figured out a way to temporarily leave hell and enter the human world specifically Karakura and attack its guardians. They kidnapped someone important and according to the last Quincy Uryu Ishida made demands in exchange for their hostage before returning to hell.

"What were their demands exactly?" Soi Fon asked.

"They want the Soul King known as Ichigo Kurosaki to free them from their imprisonment in hell", Kyoraku said gravely.

"Who the hell did they take anyway?" Kenpachi asked not really interested in the dire situation.

"Yuzu Kurosaki", Ukitake said somberly. "She was visiting her family during her vacation from the culinary academy that she's attending when these denizens of hell kidnapped her".

"Ichigo's gonna be pissed", Kenpachi grinned.

"He'll never know, we have to keep this away from him", Kirinji the captain of squad four spoke quickly. "You know how he is when his family and friends are put in danger", everyone nodded in agreement.

"Captain Abarai along with Lieutenant Kuchiki have already went into hell with Uryu Ishida and Yasutora Sado without authorization to rescue Yuzu Kurosaki", Byakuya reported.

"What was he thinking?" Soi Fon scowled wondering how foolish Renji could be.

"He's a captain now, he understands that time is of the essence and made a judgment call, I would say he chose correctly with how important the hostage is", Kyoraku commended Renji on his ability to understand and act quickly, he was definitely deserved the promotion to captain for his actions.

"The group that went into hell should be more than capable of taking care of this matter, I think we need to focus on keeping Kurosaki from finding out what's going on", Byakuya explained.

"Find out about what?" a voice from the double doors asked. Ichigo stood at the entrance dressed rather nicely which was unusual for him in a black form fitting suit with a deep red buttoned shirt and black tie. He had his hands in his pockets as he stared at the captains of the Gotei thirteen with amusement. "What's going on this time?"

"Nothing all that concerning", Kyoraku lied keeping a pleasant attitude.

"Is that so?" Ichigo narrowed his eyes at the head captain. "You wouldn't be trying to hide something from me would you Head Captain Shunsui Kyoraku?" His tone was dangerous and cold as he walked to stand in the center of the gathered captains the pressure rising every second. Right now Ichigo Kurosaki was gone and in his place was the ruthless dark lord that completely destroyed the father of the Quincies in every conceivable way.

"Ichigo don't worry about it, we can handle this matter", Ukitake tried to calm the rising tension.

"But why do you not want me to know about it?" Ichigo began pacing down the row. "Is it because your worried….how I might react".

"We're not worried", Byakuya said coolly.

"Fine if no one wants to spill the beans that's alright", Ichigo smiled like a cat that ate too many canaries. "I know one of you will tell me everything"

"What makes you so sure?" Soi Fon glared at him.

"Because one of you is a snitch", Ichigo began circling the captains individually scanning them intently with his eyes. "One of you is like a house of cards, with the slightest pressure you'll crumble and tell me everything, but which one of you is it?"

"Ichigo this isn't necessary", Kyoraku attempted to plead with the soul king. Ichigo just ignored him and continued his pacing.

"Is it Byakuya?" He stopped in front of the noble eyeing him sharply. "No, he'd rather die than leak confidential information, the rod up his ass would never allow it" he frowned then looked to eleventh's captain. "Kenpachi too would die first and I don't have all day to try and kill that maniac".

"Sounds like a fun day", Zaraki grinned at the thought of Ichigo trying to kill him and wondered if he could provoke him into trying.

"I'll pencil you in for later", Ichigo moved on. "Is Soi Fon the snitch?" He stopped in front of the uptight woman. "No, only Yoruichi could get you to talk", the captain blushed in embarrassment and anger.

"That's not true!" Soi Fon argued.

"Is it not?" He asked making her shut up. Ichigo kept pacing until he stopped directly in front of Hitsugaya who stood almost as tall as him thanks to his now matured Bankai. He looked nervous with a small bead of sweat on his forehead.

"Hello…Toshiro", Ichigo smiled putting a tiny bit of reiatsu on top of the captain of the tenth division.

"Sinners from hell took your sister Yuzu! Renji, Rukia, Uryu and Chad went into hell after them!" Hitsugaya shouted in one breath spilling everything.

"Hitsugaya!" Komamura chastised.

"Was I the only one who read the reports of what he did to the Quincies during the war?" Toshiro defended his actions by reminding them what kind of beast they were dealing with. "I like my organs inside my body thank you!"

"Good work snitch, you will be rewarded", Ichigo smiled and opened a garganta in the meeting hall.

"Ichigo", Kyoraku stopped him. "Please don't do anything irrational, the team that went in can handle this I assure you", the man begged.

"Irrational? Me? When have I ever done anything irrational?" Ichigo asked making them all look at him like he just grew multiple heads. The soul king just laughed and walked through the closing portal. "Now…which way is hell?" Ichigo asked himself looking from left to right in the dark void.

SOME TIME LATER, IN HELL

"I'll do whatever it takes to be free", Kokuto said holding Rukia up by the throat. When they arrived in hell they were immediately attacked by the giant skull faced keepers of hell. A man with black bandaged covering half his face appeared and helped them escape, leading them through the various levels of hell. Kokuto claimed he wanted to help stop the group that took Yuzu Kurosaki, so with no reason not to trust him they let him take the lea. Eventually they were split up when they enemy intercepted their path with Renji, Sado and Uryu Ishida taking them on while Rukia and Kokuto continued on to rescue Yuzu. Rukia ended up facing the apparent leader of these sinners, a guy that could conjure and throw fire. The lieutenant made quick work of him by binding him in place with kido and turning him into ice dust with her shikai. Just as she was about to free the young Kurosaki from her cage when Kokuto suddenly tried to stab her in the back, literally. Luckily her quick reflexes prevented her from being fatally wounded, but he still ended up knocking her Zanpakuto out her hand then gripped her by the neck with his enhanced strength.

"Now, you're going to cooperate with me or else", Kokuto felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see a tall young man with long spiky orange hair.

"What did the man say when he got punched in the face?" Ichigo asked then immediately slugged the man right in the face knocking him far away and forcing him to let go of the lieutenant. "He said…ow", and that's the punchline to that joke.

"Ichigo!" Rukia looked up at him in surprise that he was here of all places.

"Who the hell are you!?" Kokuto shouted getting out of the crater that his body impact made.

"I am the ruler of Soul Society, the Dark Lord Ichigo Kurosaki", he introduced with pride.

"Stop introducing yourself as a dark lord!" Rukia chastised.

"But it sounds so fucking hot", Ichigo whined. "Do you think Sauron and Voldemort claimed the title because they wanted to be feared? Fuck no, they knew how sexy it sounds when said out loud", he grinned helping Rukia off the ground. "Just say it once for me, pretty please".

"Fine", Rukia rolled her eyes at him. "The Dark Lord Ichigo, there happy!"

"Oh yeah…that's the stuff", he whispered in a sexual tone with half lidded eyes, running his fingers through his hair.

"You're Ichigo Kurosaki? As in the Soul King?" Kokuto asked not believing what he was seeing.

"What were you expecting? A guy in a white dress with butterfly wings, because I'm not Aizen", Ichigo asked smoothing out his nice suit.

"Then you're the one I want!" The sinner immediately tried to attack him.

"I love being so popular", Ichigo smiled with pride until his eyes spotted a cage containing his sister dangling over a lava pit. "Is that my sister?" After he said those words Kokuto's blade was sliced into his neck while he was distracted. Rukia was shocked at first but then sighed in relief seeing what really happened.

"What the!?" Kokuto was shocked to see that his sword didn't even break the skin. Ichigo wasn't even looking at the weapon touching his neck.

"Super enhanced Quincy blut vein, combined with vasto lorde level hollow heirro", Ichigo made an annoyed face. "I get tired of explaining things to idiots like you, basically I can only be cut by the strongest beings in Soul Society and those beings all work for me", as he said this he moved the blade away with just a finger.

"You!" Kokuto was too stunned for words.

"Are fucked", Ichigo finished for him while flicking him away, the force of which blow him away along with a bunch of dirt and sand. After getting launched away Kokuto disappeared and reappeared on top of the cage above the lava holding Yuzu Kurosaki's unconscious body. "You're just digging yourself in a deeper hole you know".

"You must be wondering why I would go to such lengths to escape", Kokuto chuckled. "Let me tell you…", he trailed off revealing his motives.

'These villains and their fucking monologues', Ichigo thought while ignoring everything the guy was saying. 'Blah blah the hogyoku breaks down the blah blah the combat pass secretly blah blah I can see the future', Ichigo decided to munch on a chocolate bar while his enemy talked.

"Are you even listening to me!?" Kokuto fumed not liking being ignored.

"Not really, I've met more interesting villains than you", Ichigo said nonchalantly taking another bite of his chocolate.

"Let's see if this gets a reaction out of you!" Kokuto dropped Yuzu into the molten pool in a desperate attempt to get Ichigo to lose his cool and go berserk. If one were to look closely they would see Ichigo's brown eyes turn yellow, the pupils stretching horizontally into ovals as he watched his sister fall into the pit. "Nothing!? You cold bastard!" He laughed.

"What are you laughing at? My sister's fine", Ichigo smiled holding Yuzu's body not even burnt.

"Impossible!" Kokuto screamed not believing what he was seeing. "I saw her sink into the fire!" Was Ichigo that fast? It didn't look like he moved.

"I could try to explain it to you, but I won't waste my breath on an idiot who can't possibly understand", Ichigo chuckled turning off his Antecedent power. He walked over to Rukia and handed his sister over to her just as the Renji, Uryu and Chad arrived having finished their fights.

"Ichigo! Do Squad Zero know you're here?" Captain Abarai asked.

"Nope!" He giggled. "Don't tell them please", Ichigo held a finger over his lips. "Get my sister out of here please while I teach this prick a lesson he won't ever forget".

"Ichigo, a hell chain has started to form", Rukia held Yuzu looking at the dark red links of chain forming out of her chest, just a few though. "We can't treat something like this"

"Oh for the love of", Ichigo rubbed his head in annoyance, he reached over gripping the few links in his sisters chest, using the power passed on to him by the previous Soul King he sent his black reishi into the chain and forced it to disintegrate into nothing. "Must I do everything?"

"Amazing", Uryu commented seeing Ichigo's handiwork. "And to think Yhwach wanted to squander this power for his selfish egotistical gain".

"Alright get her out of here, I got this", Ichigo sent them on their way with nothing but a wave of his hand. Renji formed a seal with his arms surrounded them all in a beam of light sending them back to the world of the living.

"You freed her from the chains", Kokuto sounded shocked. "I knew it! You have the power to free me!"

"I do, but why would I free you?" Ichigo asked with a raised eye brow. "I think you belong here".

"If you won't free me from these chains, then I'll force you too!" The sinner shouted charging at him.

'Why do they all think I'll bend to their whims so easily?' Ichigo thought with irritation, watching Kokuto coming at him was like watching a movie in slow motion. Slipping past his blade he grabbed the man by the face and flew off with him. Breaking though one of the upper levels of hell he threw Kokuto into a large of hill.

"Fox on the run! You screamed and everybody comes a-running!" Ichigo sang as he walked on the air towards his inferior opponent. "Take a run and hide yourself away!" Kokuto crawled out of the rocks glaring hatefully at the soul king. "F-foxy, foxy on the run and hideaway! You ever get a song stuck in your head?"

"You bastard!" The sinner screamed while violently swinging his sword at him.

"Like I haven't heard that one before", Ichigo sighed dodging each swing with ease. Finally having enough he knocked the blade far out of Kokuto's hands. "You know what? Fine! You can be free, I've grown bored with you anyway".

"You're serious?" Kokuto was too desperate to doubt the truth of the other's words.

"Yeah, easy peasy", Ichigo stood across from the man and reached out into the air gripping something invisible. In an instant the chains that bound Kokuto to hell appeared and with a quick pulse the soul king's black reishi disintegrated the links until none were left.

"I'm free", Kokuto was exceedingly happen as he looked over his body seeing no chains. "FREE!" As soon as he said that, in a weird twist of iron dozens of chains shot out of the ground and began forcefully attaching to him no matter how hard he tried to fight them off.

"What's happening!?" Kokuto shouted as more and more chains appeared and attached themselves to him until he was wrapped in cocoon of hell's chains with only his head sticking out the top.

"Oops, how silly of me", Ichigo fished out an old looking scroll from his back pocket and began skimming through it. "Ah! Here it is, whenever someone condemned to hell breaks his chains, even more chains will come forth to bind him and drag him to the lowest level of hell where he will be imprisoned for all eternity as punishment for trying to escape", he read aloud. "Funny the things that slip your mind", he chuckled darkly with the just as planned look on his face that could give Aizen a run for his money.

"BUT WHY!?" Kokuto shouted as the chains were pulled tight.

"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Oh why?" Ichigo repeated in a mocking tone as he walked towards the bound man.

"Let me tell you a little something about me", Ichigo began. "I don't mind it when bad guys like you try to fuck with me. I really don't. If you want to even attempt to get inside the haunted maze that is my head, go ahead be my guest", his expression turned dark and serious. "But when you try to fuck with my friends and family, innocent people who have nothing to do with this like my sister, well that's when I stop playing", Ichigo looked him in the eye making sure he remembered every word of this. "Touch my people and I will destroy your hopes and dreams in the most delightfully twisted way", and with a snap of his fingers the chains dragged a screaming Kokuto down into the bowels of hell. When it was finally silent, Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief and let himself calm down. All this excitement was making him psycho again.

"So this is hell? Since I'm here I might as well have a look around", Ichigo took his time to take in the bizarre sights of this dark realm. The large skeletal guardians of hell didn't bother him, they seem to instinctually acknowledge that he was a higher being and left him alone. Eventually he ended up back at the top most level of hell, it looked like a big abstract city with white cubes and rectangular structures everywhere. It was here that Ichigo was met by an interesting surprise, he almost didn't see it because the color blended in with the buildings. A tall creature resembling something of a cross between a flamingo and an owl. The creature let out a scream of terror as it ran off out of sight.

"What are you squawking about?" Askin Nekk Le Vaar asked seeing the bird like form that Lille Barro was trapped in following his death and damnation to hell run up to them shouting. The normally pious Quincy took it very hard, both being condemned and his current form and constantly preached about how God Yhwach would soon come and save them from this terrible place. The sternritters who fought in the war after being killed by their shinigami opponents found themselves in hell much to their shock and decided to stick together to perhaps figure out a way out of here. The ones condemned to hell were Askin, As Nodt, Pepe Waccabrada, Gerard Valkyrie, Driscoll Berci, Meninas Mcallon, Berenice Gabrielli, Jerome Guizbatt, Mask De Masculine, Candice Catnipp, Nanana Najahkoop, Gremmy Thoumeaux, Nianzol Weizol, and of course Lille Barro. They all had the hell chains attached to their wrists ankles and chests binding them to this place forever.

"What's happening?" Gremmy wondered in a depressed tone. After his death he really did end up in a world where he couldn't imagine anything and that robbed him all of his inflated ego and arrogance he once held. Lille suddenly ran up to them crying and shouting about the devil coming for them.

"Who gives a shit what that bastard is talking about!?" Candice shouted standing up, for now they had found a safe place away from the hell guardians but it was only a matter of time before they were found and devoured once more. A process she didn't want to experience again anytime soon. As she was cussing out the bird a dark presence suddenly appeared behind her making everyone flinch in fear.

"Imagine you were in terrible pain, afraid and very far from home", Ichigo said walking toward Candice who looked a fright at the person who killed her. "Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse you looked up and saw the face of the devil himself", he smiled a foot away from her now. "Hello Quincy", Candice leaped back tripping over her own feet in terror. Nanana and Meninas also freaked out, for they too died at the hands of this man.

"Well, well, well, well, well, isn't this a surprise", Ichigo smiled seeing the Quincy. "Nazi scum condemned to hell for all eternity, who would have thought?" He said with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

"We didn't deserve such a fate, who are you to say we do!?" Gremmy yelled getting pissed off at the man's condescending words.

"Really? Did Yhwach never tell any of you how the afterlife works?" Seeing confusion on all their faces he decided to explain. "You see dumb asses, when a human commits a lot of evil and terrible crimes, like for example starting a war without provocation, killing a lot of people and taking sadistic pleasure in it, those souls when they die or are slayed by a shinigami's power are not allowed to pass on into soul society and are instead sentenced to hell forever", Ichigo told them like a teacher would his students. "You Quincy are human, thus you must face the consequences that come with your evil deeds"

"His majesty won't allow this!" As Nodt shouted. "He'll come and make you pay, he'll save us!" Ichigo just grinned and walked up to the former sternritter getting in his face.

"Now you listen here, all of you, Yhwach is dead", the all gasped in horror when they heard that. "I fought the old prick, I beat the living shit out of him, I ripped out all of his power, reduced him to the weak helpless baby that he is, then I fired a massive arrow into his head and turned his body and soul into dust", Ichigo grinned looking at As Nodt's terror filled face. "Do you get that? The god of all Quincies and I destroyed him. HA!" They all tried to run, but a wall of black reishi blocked their path. Ichigo grabbed As Nodt by the collar and lifted him up off the ground.

"Where you the one who tried to kill my little ice princess Rukia?" Ichigo asked in amusement.

"No!" the sternritter couldn't breathe when the other's reiatsu came crashing down on him. "I mean yes! Please!"

"I wonder how much will be left", Ichigo grinned forming a cero in the palm of his other hand. "After a point blank cero", firing the beam he turned the screaming Quincy into dust. "That was fun", they all quivered in fear thinking they would be next. "What are you staring at, it's not like he's dead. This is hell, and he'll be back in a few hours"

"His majesty can't be dead! God can't die!" Lille yelled.

"Then how did I get this screensaver!?" Ichigo pulled out his phone showing the picture he used. The same selfie he took holding up Yhwach's bruised and bleeding face. "He's dead, I obliterated his soul, even if I didn't erase him from existence he can't come back because there's no Quincies left for him to leech off of", firing a bala from his hand he easily blew the bird's head clean off.

"How can you do this!?" Meninas screamed at him.

"The question is not how, the real question is who is going to fucking stop me!?" Ichigo fired another bala, blowing a hole right though her. Forming a black blade from his reishi he cut Gremmy in half down the middle before moving on to Mask. "A masked wrestler? Where were you during the war? I would have had so much fun killing you! Oh well", he sliced him into four pieces.

"Please stop!" Askin begged dropping to his knees. "We only served his majesty because he promised to create a world free from the fear of death".

"Come again?" Ichigo stopped his massacre to listen to him.

"His majesty wanted to meld all the worlds together so life and death would have become one, don't you see? All those who live would never have to fear death because everyone would live forever", Askin explained desperately.

"That is…the stupidest thing I've ever heard", Ichigo laughed. "That's what the old fuck face was trying to do. Man, I knew he was just a dumb spoiled child, but this just further proves it!" He said between the laughs. "And you lot are even dumber for believing this horse shit", as he was laughing Gerard tried to punch him from behind thinking he was distracted. Ichigo instantly spun around and caught his fist.

"Don't touch the suit Thor, I've got a hot date tonight", He immediately chopped the warriors arm clean off then proceeded to blow him apart with a cero. "Now where was I? Ah yes your stupid dead boss"

"Please show mercy", Askin begged, without his powers they were pretty much helpless.

"You know, being able to live and move forward despite the fear of death, there's a word for that", Ichigo paused and leaned down to eye level with the dead Quincy. "Courage" and with that he shoved his blade through his heart. After he finished killing all these bastards he looked around at the mess he made. "And not a single stain on the suit! Damn I'm good!" He laughed. "See you all tomorrow!"

TOMORROW

"There are rules", Ichigo was back in hell pacing the Quincy who were all lined up and forced to their knees. "I just can't decide", he smirked holding a bat that was wrapped in barbed wire. "Eeny…meeny…miny…moe", he said pointing his bat at each of their terrified faces. 'I wonder if anybody gets this Walking Dead reference', Ichigo wondered to himself. "Oh well. Who was the one that tried to destroy soul society with a meteor?" The Quincy immediately all pointed to Gremmy.

"Oh come on I was just kidding", Gremmy defended while sobbing. "Wasn't that meteor a hilarious joke every one?" Nobody was laughing.

"I know a better joke", Ichigo smiled pointing his bat at the kid. "Boy thinks he's the strongest sternritter, boy tries to fight Kenpachi, and boy gets his ass handed to him", he laughed a loud fake laugh shaking his bat at the Quincy. "Isn't that hilarious!"

"Please", Gremmy begged.

"I'm not going to do anything horrible to you, don't worry", Ichigo put the bat down and started walking away. "Just kidding!" He ran back on knocked the Quincy's head off with a single swing. "Whoops! Okay whose next!?"

AND THE NEXT DAY

"Alright you Nazi scum, I realize that I've been a bit…", Ichigo was back in hell in front of the dead Quincies again. "Of an asshole to you all", the former sternritters were too scared to run away, it would be pointless.

"What was your first clue?" Askin said sarcastically only to have a hole blasted through his shoulder severing his arm.

"That's going to be the face of the next person who interrupts me", Ichigo warned pointing at the dismembered Quincy. "As I was saying…I've decided to give you all a chance to get out of hell", that seemed to get their attention. Reaching into his pocket Ichigo pulled out a gold piece of paper with the words 'GOLDEN TICKET', printed in black bold letters. "Hidden all throughout hell are five of these golden tickets. In a hundred years I'm coming back here and any of you that have found one of these tickets will be let out free and clear, with no strings attached, slate wiped clean just like that", he clapped his hands. While the dead Quincy were getting their hoped up Ichigo discreetly leaned next to his guard Kisuke Urahara. Squad zero was upset that he went to hell without any guard or escort, so as a small concession they let him go without a fuss as long as he brought one royal guard member with. Naturally he chose Urahara as one of the few people who understood his psycho mania and just sat there quietly in his new Squad Zero captain's robe.

"The best part, there are no golden tickets and I'm not coming back", Ichigo quietly whispered, revealing that he was sending these poor bastards on a wild goose chase for all eternity.

"This is cruel, even for you Ichigo", Urahara replied speaking up for the first time since they arrived here.

"You know Kisuke, you were on the Vandenreich's list of top five special threats", Ichigo told him. "They had this whole plan to deal with you. They were going to kill Yoruichi to get you mad and once you were pissed off they would use your anger against you to take you down".

"Is that a fact", Kisuke smiled while hiding his eyes in the shadow of his hat. "You guys might want to check the more dangerous areas of hell first!" He shouted to the Quincies sending them to their doom.

"Good luck to all, and see you in a hundred years!" Ichigo laughed and opened a garganta to leave with his guard. "Not", he said quietly.

"You're an evil genius", Kisuke grinned.

"Ah, let me have my fun. I think it Hime's chapter next, and I might not be in that one", Ichigo walked through the portal.

"Her chapter? What are you talking about?" Urahara asked, but Ichigo just shrugged.

 **And that's the stuff with the hell movie over and done with. It always bothered me how naïve Ichigo was in this movie, to the point he was surprised that Kokuto betrayed him and was evil. The dude was condemned to hell Ichigo, that's your first clue that he can't be trusted! The Quincies in hell are the ones who were killed via the powers of a shinigami or those with shinigami-like powers, a lot of sternritters were killed by Yhwach himself and other Quincies thus their souls were obliterated and don't exist anymore and are not in hell.**

 **I pick on the Quincies a lot I know, but they're villains, so bashing them in a story is free game. I only bash bad guys that deserve it and occasional just a character I hate with a passion, like Shuehei Hisagi. God I can't stand Shuehei. Apparently he had a bankai according to the last chapters of Bleach, but he didn't get a chance to use it, was his excuse. Screw you Shuehei! You had plenty of opportunities, you just too much of pussy. I went off the rails again didn't I?**

 **There's a line I stole from Bleached abridged on BlazingAzureCrow's channel. Go check it out if you have time, it's really funny.**

 **Next chapter is going to be all Orihime's perspective. How she deals with all the craziness her boyfriend unleashes on the world and what she does in her life.**

 **Thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

**THE DARKNESS REALLY LOVES THE LIGHT BECAUSE IF NOT FOR HER THEN HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SEE HOW LOVELY THE WORLD IS**

 _YEARS AGO_

" _Ichigo", Orihime started while slipping on his shirt after a good two hours of passionate love making._

" _Yes?", Ichigo didn't bother putting clothes back on and opted to just lay there in the small bed they shared in their tiny Rukongai house._

" _Why do you like me so much?" She asked, slipping on a pair of black panties for modesty's sake._

" _Because your pretty", Ichigo said simply with a chuckle much to her disappointment. "I'm kidding, don't look so sad", sitting up on the bed._

" _The reason I'm oh so madly in love with you Hime is because of this right here", he pointed at his chest where his heart is and then pointed at her heart._

" _I don't understand", Orihime cocked her head in confusion_

" _My heart is dark and twisted without the light that your heart is filled with. So much so that I probably would have turned into some evil villain by now", he said honestly. "You're the opposite of me, the balance, my other half. Look at this way, why do you like me so much?" He asked the same question she asked him._

" _Well, your very sweet, you may be violent and dangerous, but you use that to protect and defend people", Orihime said fondly._

" _See there you go. You can actually see that underneath all this insanity that is me, in fact you bring it out of me. That's why I love you so much Hime", he grinned his trademark grin at her._

 _END DREAM_

'Is it morning already?' Orihime yawned feeling the light from the dawn coming from the large open balcony. She gently removed Ichigo's arms from around her waist. She no longer had to worry about her wings getting in the way of Ichigo cuddling with her having recently figured out how to make them vanish by pulling her power into herself.

After showering and brushing her teeth and hair, she decided to let Ichigo sleep in. He may acted like everything was all fun and games, but he worked hard to keep the peace that a lot of people were sacrificed to achieve after the war. Not to mention the stuff he had to deal with concerning soul society and the new democratic system he put in place.

Orihime quietly left the bedroom dressed in an off white house robe and headed to the large dining area built in the soul palace. In a flash of light the newest member of the royal guard appeared Yukihira Soma. Ichigo remodeled the palace with his power from the big gaudy eyesore that Yhwach made into something similar to its previous version, but the only thing that he kept from the Warwhelt was the gate of the sun that the Quincies used to teleport around the city. Ichigo said it could be incredibly useful and placed them strategically around his palace and in each of squad zero's personal palaces.

"Good morning milady, you look as lovely as ever", Soma said politely with a bow.

"Please you don't have to bow Soma", Orihime smiled at him.

"Sorry, it's just that the boss told me that if I ever disrespected his queen then he'd do something terrible to me", the red head grinned rubbing the back of his spikey head nervously. Ichigo Sama didn't say what he would do, just that it would be awful.

"I'm sure as long as you act like yourself, you won't get in trouble", she said to get him to relax. "We're both still not used to this royalty thing".

"I guess I better get cracking on breakfast", Soma tied his long white head ban on and headed over to the kitchen.

"Take your time", Orihime sat down at the ridiculously long table. After a few minutes she felt a familiar pair of hands on her shoulders followed by a long drawn out yawn.

"Morning Hime", Ichigo said hugging her from behind. "You smell nice", he still sounded half asleep.

"Soma's making breakfast", Orihime said relaxing in his hold.

"Think we have time for a quickie on the dining room table?" Ichigo asked.

"What if Soma walks in on us?" She asked back.

"Then the kid is in for quite the show", Ichigo grinned reaching a hand underneath her robe. "Maybe he can take notes on how to seduce that Erina chick he likes so much"

"Breakfast is ready!" Soma came barging in with a tray that smelled divine.

"Cock blocked", Ichigo grumbled sitting down next to his girl. While they enjoyed the thrill of Yukihira Soma's legendary cooking Ichigo came up with something to do for the day. "Let's go down to Soul Society for a bit"

"I hope you're not causing trouble for our friends again", Orihime scolded.

"Me? Cause trouble? Now what would make you think that sweetie?" Ichigo

"I don't know", she beamed at him.

LATER

While Ichigo was busy driving the Gotei thirteen crazy Orihime decided to venture out to the Rukongai and visit the council centers she set up with Byakuya Kuchiki's support. While she walked the streets by herself she passed several citizens who stopped and stared, gossiping.

"That's the soul king's girlfriend?"

"His future wife actually, there's a wedding coming up I heard it's going to be a big event"

"No wonder Ichigo Sama loves her, she's hot as hell"

"Don't talk like that"

"He has a point, I think she's literally glowing"

Orihime paused and looked back at everyone and simply smiled pleasantly. Some of the younger guys nearly passed out from nose bleeds, she was too pretty for mere mortals.

"Orihime!" someone called, turning around she spotted Ganju Shiba riding his pig.

"Oh hello Ganju", Orihime smiled at him. "Not getting into any more trouble I hope?"

"N-no…please don't tell Ichigo you saw me", Ganju was still scared of the guy that used his power and influence to protect the Rukongai from not just hollows but also from troublesome youths like himself that once harassed people. He still had nightmares of an orange spikey haired demon that dragged him by his scruff all the way to his sister Kukaku and told her the thing's he'd done, like he was some unruly child. Kukaku had beaten the living shit out of him. Now that man was the strongest being in soul society and could probably blink him out of existence if he wanted to.

"It's alright Ganju, Ichigo has better things to do than deal with those that break his rules and he's not that petty", she assured him.

MEANWHILE

"Alright that should do it", Urahara said finishing his work.

" **Please don't do this!"** Glados begged.

"Sorry sweet heart, but I told you this would happen if you tried to hide what goes on in the department of research in development from me", Ichigo smiled seeing the contingency plan against Glados now attached to the side of her mechanical head.

" **Oh wow man alive, it is good to be back, I don't think I've ever been this high off the ground before",** Wheatley said excitedly. **"Actually I think it's too high, it's too high, I think I might get a bit…uneasy, or possibly air sick",** he sounded nervous now.

"Wheatley you're a metal sphere, you can't get sick", Ichigo reminded him.

" **It hurts! It hurts so much!"** Glados screamed while her robotic form that dangled from the ceiling thrashed around as if in pain. Wheatley thoughts were now pouring into her mind, creating an endless stream of stupidity.

"For one week, you have to listen to everything Wheatley says", Ichigo said enjoying his lemon flavored lollypop.

" **NOOOOOOO!"** She shouted in agony.

"YES!" Ichigo laughed. "Let this be a lesson to you", walking out of the central AI chamber he spotted Mayuri who appeared to be amused by his computerized assistant's pain. "Why are you laughing Kurotsuchi? I want you to listen to Wheatley's ideas too"

"What? You can't be serious?" The scientist exclaimed.

"Yes this is your punishment too for trying to hide the goings on here from me", Ichigo put his lollypop back in his mouth and walked out of the department with a laugh.

"Why did you have me do this again?" Urahara asked following after him.

"Because I'm petty", he said without missing a beat.

BACK WITH ORIHIME

"Ichigo is a lot more mature then people think", Orihime told Ganju.

"Sure he is", he responded sarcastically. "Anyway I bet Kukaku would want to see you again", Orihime blushed thinking about the very forward woman that seemed to take pleasure in embarrassing her at any chance she got.

"I have things to do first, but I'll come by later for a visit", she smiled and waved him off. Once he was gone Orihime continued walking down the main streets of the Rukon just taking in the place she once lived. Things had definitely improved here now that Ichigo was the soul king, he pretty much strong armed central forty six into doing something about the people in the Rukongai by letting each and every citizen be able to vote for new members of the council. Basically Ichigo told them to do their job properly or be replaced by the very people you screwed over.

Eventually she stopped when she passed a very familiar house. A small compact wooden structure with the bottom floor being the living room and kitchen and the top being the only bedroom with an outdoor shower in the back. This was one of the houses that she and Ichigo shared during their early years in the Rukongai, back when Ichigo was a vigilante cleaning up the districts, but such work forced them to move every few months or so as to avoid getting caught by shinigami.

FLASHBACK

"Orihime!" A voice shouted from outside. Said girl paused from patching the holes in her boyfriend's black cloak when Ichigo came bursting through the front door of their small home. He was wearing his normal skull mask that he used to hide his identity while out fighting hollows, no shirt, bare feet and a pair of frayed jeans. His sheathed Zanpakuto in one hand and a mysterious small box in the other.

"Oh hey Ichigo!" Orihime smiled at him. "I'm almost finished with your cloak"

"Thanks Hime", Ichigo took his mask off setting it and his sword on the table. "Have I got a surprise for you!"

"Oh no, who did you beat up this time?", Orihime sighed. "I told you those guys stopped picking on me after you had that 'talk' with them"

"Relax sweetie", Ichigo grinned putting a peach flavored lollypop in his mouth. "I just finished my anniversary present for you"

"Anniversary?" She looked at him oddly.

"Of the day we first met here in the Rukongai" Ichigo smiled and kneeled in front of her with his box. "Eyes closed princess", she did as he wanted and shut her eyes. After a few moments she felt a ring being slipped on her finger and the lips kissing her hand. "And open", Orihime reopened her eyes and saw his gift. A pure gold ring with a diamond piece shaped like a six pedaled flower, just like the hair pins her brother gave her when she was alive, lost when she lost her life in that world.

"I know you miss those hair pins from your human life so I made you something similar, while also different". Ichigo explained.

"You made this?" Orihime just looked at it as her eyes started tearing up.

"Well yeah, I usually just make swords with the old man in my head, so making a ring took a lot of practice", Ichigo rubbed the back of his spikey orange head awkwardly. "I'm no Sauron or Celebrimbor, buts it's the best I can do", he stopped when he finally noticed his girl was crying. "Oh shit, your crying. I'm soooooooo sorry! I'll make a better one", he tried to take the ring back, but she stopped him.

"No, its perfect", Orihime said wiping the tears off her face.

"Then why are you crying", he questioned.

"Because I sometimes forget how big your heart is", she smiled leaning forward to give him a peck on the cheek.

"Yeah", Ichigo grinned holding his cheek. "They say a kiss from the girl you love is worth more than silver and gold"

"Who said that?"

"Me!" Ichigo said reaching into the box that held the ring for something else. "Also I got you another present", this time he pulled out a pair of handcuffs with blue fur lining the metal. "You kept saying the hand cuffs were hurting your wrists", Orihime face palmed, but smiled none the less.

'There's the Ichigo I'm used to', she thought

END FLASHBACK

Ichigo really did a lot for her back then in his own weird way. She never noticed until they moved into the Seireitei and were provided with enough of food and shelter how her boyfriend always gave her so much. In the Rukongai, Ichigo always gave her the larger share of food, water. He even used his own money to buy her better clothes while he continued to wear older, ragged and patched up jeans and shirts. Yoruichi used to joke that Ichigo spoiled her when she would come visit. Ichigo would just laugh and say that his Hime deserved the best he could give her. To think he did all that for her and continued fighting hollows, keeping an eye on the local kids and putting down crime in Rukongai on a daily basis. How could she not fall in love with him?

He was and still is the sweetest person she will ever know. Even though that kind man was buried under a mountain of crazy and weirdness she didn't mind. Orihime didn't fault him for having some fun.

ELSEWHERE

"Oh, Ichigo, what are you doing here?" Ukitake smiled pleasantly as he walked into his office seeing the strongest being in soul society waiting there.

"I just had some questions", Ichigo said looking out the window.

"What sort of questions?" Jushiro asked.

"You see…I was in the library the other day, in the restricted section and I came across something rather odd about a bit of rare magic", Ichigo turned from the window to face him.

"I'm confused", the white haired captain said.

"I do references from movies and books I like", he said dryly. "I thought you all knew that about me by now".

"Fair enough", Ukitake kept a positive attitude as usual.

"So how are things lately?" Ichigo asked walking around the office.

"Everything is fine here, well…."

"Yeeeeessss?" Ichigo drawled out.

"Shunsui is dealing with something right now with one of the noble clans", Ukitake told him honestly.

"Oh I got know what this shit is about", Ichigo quickly left to go find the head captain, excited at the prospect of trouble.

LATER

"So when are you two getting hitched", Kukaku asked pouring another cup of sake.

"Really soon", Orihime said taking a small sip. After making trips to the counsel centers, to make sure there were no problems and to see if they found her brother yet, they did not, she decided to visit the Shiba family while she was here in soul society. Kukaku happily welcomed her with several gallons of alcohol.

"I'm still invited right?" The one armed woman questioned looking forward to the event. Knowing Ichigo, any wedding of his was going to be quite the show.

"Everyone we know is invited and they all agreed to come", she remembered all the invites that were sent. "The only person who can't make it that Ichigo invited is Aizen, but he's you know…imprisoned"

"Wait why would Ichigo invite that creep?" Kukaku asked.

"Something about rubbing his ultimate victory in his face one more time", Orihime said.

"He's weird", The Shiba woman stated flatly. "He always been a weird kid with a few screws loose in that traffic cone head of his"

"But you and everyone else still likes him", she chuckled. "He's a good man deep down".

"Yeah must be nice to be the fiancé of the ALL POWERFULL SOUL KING!" Kukaku shouted towards the door off to the side where she knew a certain guest was eavesdropping. Hearing a gasp behind the screen it quickly slid open revealing an average dark haired male in a seemingly standard shinigami uniform that looked to be made of nicer fabric than a normal shinigami's.

"Oh…um, hello", Orihime was surprised when the man walked up to where they were sitting and bowed.

"Orihime this is one my 'honored' guests, he's called Kenryu", she introduced to the man who was still bowing respectfully.

"Is it true? Are you really Orihime Inoue? The consort of Kurosaki Sama?" Kenryu asked.

"Yes", she was curious about what this person could want.

"Please I need your help", he sounded quite desperate as he looked up to her.

HEAD CAPTAIN'S OFFICE

"So let me get this straight", Ichigo began pacing the room in front of Kyoraku's desk. "You have reason to believe the Kasumiōji clan has possibly been creating illegal weapons called the Bakoto"

"Yes that is correct", Shunsui replied.

"And you haven't just gone in to the clan compound and checked because….." Ichigo trailed off.

"We can't investigate into clans without proof first", the head captain explained.

"Shunsui, I like you man, but sometimes I want to punch you in the face", Ichigo told him.

"My hands are tired", Kyoraku said apologetically.

"Oh for fuck sake!" Ichigo slammed his hand on the table. "I'm giving you an order as the Soul King, the highest authority in all of soul society to march in there, find and confiscate the Bakoto!"

"That's all I needed to hear", Kyoraku smiled this was exactly what he wanted.

'Did I just get played?' Ichigo thought.

BACK TO HIME

"I see", Orihime had just finished listening to Kenryu's story. They had taken the princess of the Kasumiōji clan out of the clan compound in secret for her own safety. Fleeing to the Rukongai and hiding out in the Shiba household that so graciously accepted them. More like Kukaku tried to kick them out, but their sob story was able to move even her. Despite her charity that didn't stop them from mooching the food and using up all the hot water. The reason for their fear. A vassal of the family named Kumoi had made an attempt on Rurichiyo's life by sending his private group of assassins after her.

"Alright come on, let's go see Ichigo, he'll fix this", Orihime smiled and stood up.

"Are you serious?" Kenryu looked at her like she was nuts. "Would the Soul King really take time out of his busy schedule to help Lady Rurichiyo?" Even the noble clans were beneath the almighty Ichigo Sama.

"I know Ichigo", Orihime began. "He can solve any problem. Now go get little Rurichiyo and I'll escort you safely to the seireitei"

"You're…going to escort us safely?" Kenryu raised a brow hearing that. Orihime frowned slightly and stood up walking towards him slowly. She then leaned down letting the shadow cast over her face.

"You shouldn't underestimate me", she said darkly then smiled. "Now let's go", she turned back to cheerful in an instant.

"This is getting interesting", Kukaku grinned taking another drink.

KASUMIOJI CLAN COMPOUND

"KNOCK! KNOCK!" The gate guards were startled by the shouting from the outside the wooden gate. They nearly shit themselves when a fist punched a hole through next followed by a creepy grinning face looking through.

"Here's Ichigo!" The entire gate then exploded into thousands of shards and splinters knocking the guards back. Dozens of shinigami came pouring into the compound right after. "Was that so hard now Kyoraku?"

"I would have gone with a less violent approach", the head captain and the soul king casually walked through destroyed gate. One of them had a big red sucker in his mouth, guess which one.

"So what are we looking for again?" Captain Renji Abarai asked following behind them along with the captain of the Stealth force Soi Fon.

"Ah! I love a good scavenger hunt!" Ichigo laughed and flash stepped away to go find incriminating evidence.

"What is the meaning of this!?" Several high ranking clan member came barging out of the mansion, seeing shinigami crawling all over the place. "You have no right to intrude into the Kasumiōji property without permission or just cause!" One member furiously shouted.

"Or unless we have orders from the soul king", Renji said smartly, Kyoraku then handed the members a scroll containing Ichigo Kurosaki's orders, signature and royal seal. "Oh look at that…we do have orders", suddenly the ground shook and in the distance somewhere in the compound a roof was torn apart and levitated up in the air.

"How does he do that?" Renji asked aloud watching his friend move and levitate roofs.

"Well Ichigo said that when he defeated Yhwach he ripped out every last bit of his Quincy powers and assimilated them into his own", Shunsui remarked tipping his hat. "That gave him perfect absolute control over anything made of reishi, which last I checked is everything in soul society", he chuckled watching the spectacle, the clan members were slack jawed at the fact that his highness was here and using his abilities to tear up their home. "You people should consider yourselves lucky that you get to see Ichigo Sama's power in person"

"What is happening!?" A bearded spectacled man came out of the mansion next to see the Gotei Thirteen right on his door step. Had they discovered his plan? But how?

"Kumoi! They said we're under investigation of us making illegal weapons!" One member shouted.

"That's preposterous!" Kumoi scoffed. Just as he said that a dozen or so of the Bakkuto weapons landed in a pile in front of him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that", Ichigo appeared in the air above them with his arms crossed. "What were you lying about?" Landing in front of the man Ichigo chuckled pulling out a stack of papers. "These are some interesting documents", he licked his finger and started flicking through the papers. "All detailing the progress of the Bakoto, going back years, your name seems to be on a lot of them mister Kumoi"

"I've never seen these before in my life!" Kumoi shouted out desperately pointing at the weapons. More shinigami came out of the mansion holding documents and tools pertaining to the Bakkuto from the secret lair that Ichigo found for them.

"I know what might solve this", snapping his fingers two shinigami grabbed Kumoi and held out his hand while another took a finger print sample.

FLASHBACK

"Are you telling me that not one of you knows how to check for fingerprints when investigating a crime?", Ichigo asked standing in front of all the captains and lieutenants, he had just finished examining some old unsolved crimes in the seireitei and was pissed to find out that no blood tests were run nor were there any finger prints examined.

"What are finger prints?" Kyoraku questioned.

"Oh fuck my face", Ichigo grumbled while pinching the bridge of nose in frustration. "Alright come with me", he ordered.

"Where we going?" Hitsugaya asked.

"We're going to watch a little show called CSI"

END FLASHBACK

"Now then does everything check out", Renji pulled out one of the devices Mayuri Kurotsuchi was forced to make a small hand held gadget that scanned, analyzed, and matched fingerprints.

"Yup, his prints match the ones on the documents and the tools", Renji showed them the results.

"Well, well, well", Ichigo turned back to the terrified man. "Anything to say for yourself?"

"I…I…I", Kumoi stuttered seeing all his plans come crumbling down.

"If you say so, now for the nail in the coffin", Ichigo's eyes turned yellow as the pupils stretched horizontally. Using his past observation ability he searched for more evidence. What he found disgusted him, even for a weird psychopath like Ichigo. "You asshole, you unbelievable prick", Ichigo grabbed Kumoi by the throat and lifted him off the ground. "You were going to kill a little girl, just so you can take over this clan, a little girl!" He shouted choking the man. "Even now you have assassins after her. Oh, I'm so going to enjoy killing you", as he said that his phone went off. "Hold that thought", reaching into his pocket he pulled out the bedazzled covered cell phone seeing a picture of Orihime wearing her sexy maid outfit. Hitting the answer button "Hello sweetie", he began. Orihime told him that she was escorting a girl named Rurichiyo, princess of the Kasumiōji clan, back to the seireitei along with her body guards. Apparently some bastard sent assassins after her. "Oh dear that sounds terrible, do you want me to come help. No? You got handled Hime…Okay if you say so….Sure I'll get started looking into this Kumoi character…Bye love you too", hanging up Ichigo grinned focusing back on the asshole he was currently strangling. "Well look at that I'm ahead of the game this time"

"What are you going to do?" Renji asked. "Wouldn't it be best to let him face justice?"

"I agree", Ichigo said tossing Kumoi to the ground, he then formed a Quincy weapon out of his black reishi. "But this machine gun doesn't", pointing the gun at the quivering man he smirked. "Here's the deal Kumoi, you got till the count of three to get your lying murdering piece of shit self out of my seireitei"

"One!" No one moved.

"TWO!" Kumoi snapped up and quickly ran in a random direction in a hopeless attempt to escape.

"THREE!" He didn't get very far as a hail of black reishi bullets tore through his body, killing him in seconds. Ichigo walked over to his fallen blood soaked body. "Merry Christmas yah filthy animal", firing a few more shots into his torso, "And a happy new year", one more bullet to the skull.

"Well this was fun, you guys have a lot of work to do finding out who was in on this prick's schemes good luck", Ichigo laughed walking away. "Come on Red, let's go watch my Hime take out those assassins".

"WHY!?" Renji had no idea what was going through that orange head of his.

"Because it's going to be soooo fucking hot!" Ichigo smirked. "I want someone to see what I see in her"

"Fine…you crazy bastard", they both flash stepped away. Everyone just stared, wondering what they just witnessed

"Alright shows over, back to work!" Kyoraku ordered with a clap, getting the shinigami to move along.

WITH ORIHIME

"Here's what's going to happen", Orihime smiled at the foot soldier assassins. The scary death smile that Unohana taught her before she died. "You're going to try to attack me. When that fails, someone stronger will come and try to attack me. When he fails your best will come, and then…he'll fail too", despite the sweet tone she was using her words sounded quite threatening. The masked assassins were sweating, even though none of them made a move to attack.

"Well come on", Orihime waved at them to go ahead and attack her. They all got over there fear and charged her with blades drawn. She smiled as multiple orange shields sprang into existence to repel all their strikes. One of the new abilities that came with her new evolved form was being able to use all of her powers and techniques effortlessly without a verbal command or gesture. Orihime just stood there without moving an inch as each of the assassins' blows were blocked and deflected by her shields. Even more barriers appeared slamming into their bodies and faces knocking each and everyone one of the wood be assassins like a giant pinball game. All the while Orihime just stood their smiling humming 'Heroes', a David Bowie song that Ichigo sang to her on their first date.

"H-How is she this s-strong?" One of the masked men fell to his knees after getting bashed around.

"What? Did you think I was just a pretty face that Ichigo keeps around to play with when he's bored?" Orihime glared at her opponents. "I can assure you I'm much more than that", white with gold specs feathery wings appeared attached to her back in an instant. The assassins backed away in fear feeling her mighty reiatsu wash over them. They decided to make the smart decision for now and retreat, their leader would have to take care of her.

"You can come out now", Kenryu and Enryu appeared with Rurichiyo protected between them.

"That was…", the normally stuck up princess was speechless by what they just saw.

"Scary" Kenryu said having also underestimated her power and was shocked but what he witnessed.

"It's not sexy? Ichigo always says that about my power so I just thought everyone thought the same", she wondered out loud. The three she was escorting were too wondering, wondering what the hell Ichigo Sama was really like if his consort was like this.

While they were distracted another assassin appeared. This one had light purple hair, a mask to cover the lower half of his mask with a scar running down his forehead, armor on his chest and shoulder and a strange looking sword that had a mirror for the guard. He tried to sneak up on Orihime and stab her from behind with a blade only to be blocked by a small orange shield. He was then quickly and painfully smacked away by one her feathery wings that were quite strong despite how light they looked.

"Hm, I guess you three better stand back again", Orihime didn't sound at all concerned as she turned around to face her next enemy. The apparent leader appeared to be flanked by several other unique looking assassins all of whom had strange looking weapons.

"Hand over the girl now", Hanza Nukui demanded. Orihime just chuckled lightly surrounded by so many dangerous opponents.

"You know I think I get it now", she smiled at them.

"Get what?" the leader asked clutching his Bakoto.

"How Ichigo feels", Orihime laughed. "Just a little bit".

"Then you both must have an odd sense of humor", Hanza said preparing to fight little did he know this was going to end quickly. "Now hand over Rurichiyo, that weak little girl is not fit to lead the glorious Kasumiōji clan"

"That's not for you to decided, and I'd be more worried about not being able to move a muscle if I were you", Orihime smiled and began walking towards them.

"Why would..", he didn't get to finish his sentence as the entire area was encapsulated by a triangular prism and then each and every one of them became instantly frozen in its orange light. The only one that could move freely in this isolated space was the one who cast it. "I've decided...", Orihime casually walked outside of the barrier that her enemies were all frozen in, "I really don't like assassins", with a snip finger snap the prism glowed then exploded in a shower of orange sparks, completely erasing the killers that were inside. Kenryu, Enryu, and Rurichiyo stood there watching in awe.

"What?" Orihime asked seeing their slack jawed expressions. "I told you that I'd protect you three", she smiled brightly like she didn't just completely erase a bunch of assassins. They were the only ones, from a watchable distance captain Renji Abarai had the same expression while Ichigo stood next to him drooling like a love obsessed idiot.

"Okay…I think I'm starting to see what you see", Renji commented with a bit of a blush.

"I know right, wasn't that hot as fuck?" Ichigo grinned then quickly flash stepped over to the group. Renji quietly grumbled 'Lucky bastard' before following.

Orihime was about to continue moving on now the threat was eliminated, but princess Rurichiyo complained that she was hungry and wanted some candy. Ichigo appeared next to his future wife in a flash.

"What up?" the orange haired king waved.

"You there shinigami, bring me some candy", Rurichiyo ordered pointing at him. Ichigo smirked and raised a brow at the arrogance of the girl.

"Lady Rurichiyo, w-what are you doing?" Kenryu stuttered in fear having recognized Ichigo Sama, Enryu also recognized him and was silently shaking.

"I'm getting some food Kenryu", she said not realizing who she was talking to.

"You just demanded candy from the Soul King", Kenryu said quickly jumping in between the Kasumiōji princess and the ruler of soul society and dropping to his knee while bowing his head. "Please forgive Lady Rurichiyo you highness Kurosaki Sama!"

"That's the great and powerful Kurosaki Sama to you peasant", Ichigo glared him only to get a light elbow tap in his side courtesy of Orihime. "Oh fine I'm just kidding", he chuckled. "Hey little girl!" He called getting Rurichiyo's attention. He tossed her a bubble gum flavored lollypop. "That should tide you over till you get back squirt"

"If I may be so bold Ichigo Sama, would you be so inclined as to investigate a vassal of our clan named Kumoi?" he was answered.

"Oh he's dead", Ichigo said taking out his own lollypop and sticking it his mouth. "Yeah apparently Kyoraku was already suspicious of you clan so I ordered him to march in there and conduct and investigate. The evidence we found leading to the bearded ape was overwhelming and I executed him myself right then and there via hail of bullets"

"But, but what about central forty six?" Kenryu asked.

"I don't answer to those idiots, they answer to me" Ichigo said matter of fact while looping his arm around Orihime's waist. "See that Hime, we solved this problem together without even realizing"

"I guess we did", She smiled leaning her head on his shoulder.

"Awe, aren't we the perfect couple", Ichigo smiled giving her a peck on the cheek. Renji cleared his throat rather loudly. "Right, I need to get you three home, don't be surprised if a bunch of shinigami are there finishing the investigation", snapping his fingers he opened a garganta leading right to the Kasumiōji clan compound.

"We can't thank you two enough for this" Kenryu and Enryu bowed to the couple.

"Nothing to it, oh and next time you have a problem, just talk to Kyoraku or Ukitake, they'll get you in contact with me", Ichigo waved them off.

"I better go with them, I promised to get them home safely" Orihime followed the group into the garganta wanting to make sure they would make it without any last minute assassination attempts.

"See you in a bit Hime", Ichigo grinned giving her a playful tap on her rear. When they were gone he and Renji stood there alone.

"Huh, I never thought crazy and sweetness would be a good combination", Renji pondered.

"Isn't it great? Now if you excuse me I need to get ready to Naruto her Hinata", Ichigo smirked loosening an imaginary shirt collar.

"What?" Renji didn't understand what he was saying.

"I'm going to Natsu her Lucy, Inuyasha her Kagome", Ichigo finally gave up with a frustrated sigh. "I'm gonna do sex with her! Must I spell it out?"

"Do you have to talk about your sex life constantly?" Renji asked exasperated.

"I'm sure she brags about me in front of other women", Ichigo shrugged.

"I seriously doubt our women all get together and talk about the same things us guys talk about when we're together", the captain argued.

"You'd be surprised", Ichigo said with raised eyebrows.

LATER-SHINIGAMI WOMEN'S ASSOCIATION

"So how big is he?" Rangiku asked taking another sip of her alcoholic beverage.

"About this big", Orihime held her hands exactly twelve inches apart. "Probably a bit more now that I think about it", she blushed. The women were shocked to hear this and couldn't help but fantasize.

"You lucky girl" Rangiku winked at her taking another drink.

"So how exactly do you…you know?" Rukia was too embarrassed to say it.

"She wants to know how you go down on mister hung like a horse Ichigo?" Rangiku blurted out making the other women blush but still curious. Orihime hid her red face with her hands and quietly mumbled something. "What was that?"

"With great difficulty!" She finally announced making everyone bust out laughing.

* * *

 **Sorry for the long wait, I had to rewrite this one because there were some jokes and scenarios that I want to save for the wedding chapter. Yes there will be a wedding and it will probably be a long chapter.**

 **Hey remember the bounts? Neither do I. JK. They might get a tiny mention in the next chapter, but I'm not doing a oneshot with them. I thought about Ichigo making jokes about vampires, but that was as far as I got. I'm also not doing the Regai, that arc was idiotic in my opinion. Hey lets have an arc were the Gotei fight exact copies of themselves, that will be fun. Do you sense the sarcasm?**

 **On a different note I want to share with you guys something. A friend of mine who reads my stories, who also likes to give me ideas for stories, pitched me this. She got this idea from my Candy story, specifically the references to The Hobbit sprinkled here and there. Basically its Bleach X Fairytail crossover, and its just only Ichigo in the Fairytail universe. She told me that the dragon Smaug takes him in as a kid and teaches him magic and his love of gold. It starts out with Ichigo being very greedy and selfish, but eventually he turns into a good guy and joins Fairytail with an Ichigo X Erza pairing. The title she wanted is 'I AM FIRE'. I like this idea, I really do.**

 **One of the reasons I can't do the story myself right now is because I don't feel like I know the Fairytail universe well enough to do a story based on it. I do follow Fairytail, but not as closely as I do other Anime and Manga. The other reason is that I just don't have time right now, I've got a bunch of unfinished stories and some upcoming ones, so much so that I just can't add this idea to the pile of future stories, maybe in the distant future, but not now. The reason I'm sharing her idea with you all is in case one of you happens to write Fairytail stories and is interested in the idea. If anyone wants to write it, be my guest, it's free to use, tweak, and write as you see fit.**

 **Anyway thanks for reading. Peace out.**

 **Is My Hero Academia any good? I keep hearing good things about it, but I haven't had time lately to check it out.**


	5. Chapter 5

**YOU CAN FIRE YOUR ARROWS FROM THE TOWER OF BABEL BUT YOU WILL NEVER STRIKE GOD. ALT TITLE: LOOK HOW OP I AM!**

"So it's come to this", Ichibe Hyosube sounded disappointed at the current turn of events as he stood facing down the soul king.

"Come now you had to know this was coming, that it would be down to just me and you", Ichigo smirked. He had already took out the rest of his own royal guard and now it was just the monk left.

"You've gone too far this time and now it's my duty to stop you Ichigo", Ichibe said turning around gripping his over-sized brush.

"Too far? I just beat them up a little, it's not like their dead", Ichigo laughed. I bet you were thinking he finally snapped and went on a murder spree right? No, Ichigo Kurosaki finally got sick and tired of how over protective squad zero was towards him. The final straw came when they tried to restrict him from leaving the palace ever again. So Ichigo being Ichigo decided to kick their asses to remind them whose boss and to prove that he can protect himself.

He made a bet with them, he would fight each of the squad zero members one on one, if any managed to overpower and defeat him than he would concede and stay in the soul palace. If Ichigo defeated all of them than they would ease up and allow him to do as he wished. To keep damage to the soul palace to a minimum they would fight on that large floating wooden road that acted as the entry way to the palace.

First up was Yukihira Soma, even with his recently awakened Zanpakuto that had the power to raise the temperature in the surrounding area, he was still new to all this and lacked more experience. Taking him down was no problem. Ichigo even went easy because he liked the kid and his cooking so much.

Shutara was quick with her puppet hands, but Ichigo just had to out think and trap her. Piece of cake. Nimaiya was interesting, he had a perfect sword that could cut through anything. Beating him actually took some effort. Kisuke Urahara so far was the only one that was actually problematic, especially his bankai, but in the end he was defeated like the others before him. That just left the head of the zero division and royal guard himself, Ichibe Hyosube to deal with.

"So we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Accept defeat and I don't kick your ass today", Ichigo smiled.

"That's just not going to happen", Ichibe frowned pointing his brush at him.

"Hard way it is then", Ichigo grinned.

"Ichigo"

"Please, call me Ichigo Kurosaki"

"Okay Ichigo Kurosaki"

"That's Dark Lord Ichigo Kurosaki to you", he corrected with a small glare. In response the monk turned his back to him and the next thing Ichigo knew he was struck by a giant hand made out of air, sending him flying off the bridge for a couple miles. "Oh…are we starting?" Ichigo grinned stopping his momentum.

"You might want to look up", Ichibe's voice came from above, as soon as he made eye contact he slammed Ichigo with another giant air hand.

"Guh! That's the spirit!" Ichigo laughed using his sheer reiatsu to right himself in midair. Pointing his index finger he quickly charged a massive red cero and fired. Ichibe thought nothing of it and split the beam in half with his brush.

"It will take more than that", the monk said with a smirk.

"Oh I completely agree", Ichigo grinned back at him. "Don't you agree as well Mephistopheles?" A loud hollow-like roar caught Ichibe's attention. He turned and looked just in time to see Ichigo's giant Quincy bow, shaped like a massive black pentagram with a huge white devil horned skull mask in the center, off in the distance. Ichigo must have begun forming it when the fight started. "Boop", the skull's mouth opened and fired one giant black arrow at the head of the shinigami.

"Whoa there!" The monk successfully dodged it, but the force surrounding the arrow was enough to blow him away.

"Keep your eyes on me", Ichigo appeared in front of his unbalanced opponent and tried to grab him by the throat. The monk swatted his arm away with his brush. "Okay something's not right", Ichigo remarked feeling the power in his arm decreased.

"I severed the name of your arm or should I say your ar-, now its power is halved", Ichibe smirked.

"Ah shit", Ichigo looked at his weakened limb. Perhaps he should have looked into what the head of his royal guard could do. Not paying attention ended with him getting smacked in the face by an oversized paint brush and sent flying back to the bridge. Righting himself in time he landed safely on the wooden surface.

"So one who was once called Ichigo, how does it feel with your power cut in half?" The monk asked in a polite yet somewhat condescending way.

"You realize that I can still kick your ass, even with half my power?" Ichigo asked with a smirk.

"Is that fact?" The shinigami called him on that.

"Alright I'm lying…", Ichigo answered honestly, "I can kick your ass with a quarter of my power".

"That remains to be seen", the orange haired soul king just grinned and summoned more of his god-like power that he'd been holding back. Snapping his fingers he fired a barrage of black arrows from the blackness of his cloak.

"I've already seen these Quincy abilities Ichigo", Ichibe said deflecting them with his bare hands.

"Oh that's right, you fought old prune face. How did that go?" Ichigo asked, already knowing the outcome of that battle and wanting to throw his own loss back into his face. "But I got things that Yhwach didn't have"

"And what do you have that he didn't?" The shinigami asked stepping onto the bridge to fight him on even ground.

"Devilishly good looks, a sexy d-cup sized girlfriend, and overall a good sense of humor", Ichigo listed off. "Also a huge flying battleship made of pure black reishi. Speaking of which you're in range", realization dawned on the bearded monk's face just as Ichigo's massive ship made from half of the energy of his bankai appeared, having been hidden in a nearby cloud.

"When did you activate your bankai?" Ichibe.

"Its always active, I keep it patrolling the skies around my soul palace for extra protection", Ichigo smirked then flash stepped to the deck of his ship where his demon bat girls modeled after Yoruichi were waiting for him. "Shoot him in the face girls" He said as he sat down in his chair while one of the girls massaged his shoulders and the rest pointed the cannons at Ichibe Hyosube. "And….make it rain", the cannons unleashed a hail of spirit energy.

"Oh dear", the monk was forced to rapidly dodge every blast while the soul king laughed at his predicament. " _Ring! Ring!",_ Ichigo's phone went off, sighing in annoyance he answered it while the battle was still going on.

"Kyoraku darling, how's it going?" The head captain informed him that the seireitei was being attacked by people called the Bounts right now. "Hm, they sound like vampires, I'd love to help but I'm kind of balls deep in this fight with my royal guard, soooo…let me know how that turns out", Kyoraku tried to plead with him again, but Ichigo just hung up and threw his phone off the ship. "Cease fire!" He ordered seeing no sign of Ichibe Hyosube among the mangled and ruined walkway.

Ichigo flash stepped from his ship over to the bridge, walking through the smoke he chuckled thinking he was completely destroyed. He pulled out a dark chocolate bar and began eating it in victory.

"Paint it black, Ichimonji!" A voice called from the cloud of smoke while a black ink-like substance exploded outward around it.

"Now we're getting somewhere!" Ichigo shouted with a clap and a mouth full of chocolate.

"You might want to start surrendering now", Ichibe appeared with a wicked grin on his face as the end of his brush transformed into a blade then back to a brush for a split second.

"Funny I was about to say something similar", Ichigo chuckled then drew a quick pentagram with black reishi in the air. A wave of dark reishi surrounded him then formed a tall black tower with an upside down star at the stop. When the spirit energy fell away it revealed his new form.

"What do you think of my Vollstandig? I call it…The Death of God", Ichigo floated above the floor with a set of large black feathery wings composed of his black soul king reishi, horns sticking out of his head of orange hair and a crown made of red energy. "Also known as my last fuck you to Yhwach and his Quinces", the wings expanded as wide as possible just as a set of six yellow menacing eyes opened on them glaring down at his opponent.

"I see you fully mastered your Quincy powers", Ichibe commented.

"I sure did", Ichigo grinned. "Also heads up", the second he said a massive barrage of black arrows fired from his wings raining down upon the man.

"Hidden Hado number three!" The monk pointed his hand at the hail of arrows as a dragon's head appeared and blew away the projectiles. "You'll have to do better than that", he paused feeling a pain in his side. Looking down he found a large gash on his body.

"Is this better?" Ichigo asked from behind him holding a black blade created from his reishi still dripping from the shinigami's blood.

"Much better actually!" Ichibe grinned and swung his weapon sending a wave of black ink at him.

"This shit better not stain", Ichigo said looking down at his….thing covered in ink. Wait what was this limb called again.

"Your arm has lost its name, and power along with it", the monk explained. "Anything that gets covered by Ichimonji's ink loses its name, and without its name it has no power"

"I see", Ichigo noticed the lack of strength in the muscles and the flow of reishi was cut off in that part of his body. "Good thing I got another!" He laughed as he pointed his other arm at him while opening his wings wider. "Take this!" Nothing happened. "I said take this!" Still nothing happened. Ichigo wondered what was wrong and looked back to see the eyes on his wings were all covered in black ink. "Oh god dammit!" He turned to face Ichibe again, and was shocked to see another wave of ink, this one even larger, come right at him. With no way of dodging he stood there and took it, getting completely covered from head to toe.

"And that's that, one who was once called Ichigo", Ichibe smiled in satisfaction. "I win, yield and I'll remove the ink", in response Ichigo started chuckling which evolved into full blown hysterical laughter.

"This isn't over", Ichigo continued to laugh. "UNTIL I SAY ITS OVER!" He screamed while firing a large cero from the tip of his finger straight at the head of the zero division.

"What!?" Ichibe was too caught off guard and ended up a little scorched from the blast. "How can you still have power?"

"It's all thanks to my new friend", Ichigo grinned while still covered in ink. As he said that a dark mass began to form out of his shadow, stretching out and taking the form of a large black hand with a single eye on the palm.

"Say hello to the right arm of the former Soul King!", the big hand waved at him. "Also known as Mimihagisama!"

"I thought that thing was destroyed", Ichibe said.

"Nah! Old prune face just absorbed it, but never used its power and when I consumed all of old prune face's power this wonderfully beautiful arm came with", Ichigo chuckled. "The right arm governs stillness apparently, in other words any special abilities that affected me or my power, like your ink for example, grinds to a fucking halt"

"So the right arm can stop anything? That's how it prevented the worlds from falling apart before", Ichibe realized.

"Correct, so if I can no longer be affected by any abilities, I guess that makes me OP as fuck doesn't it?" Ichigo asked with a sinister look in his eyes. "Hey Mimihagi, slap me some skin!" He held his hand out and the right arm of the former soul king gave a quick high five.

"Now that just leaves the question of what to do with mister bearded monk", Ichigo rubbed his chin in thought mockingly. "Oh! Light bulb!" Getting a devious idea, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver pentagon shaped medallion.

"Where did you get that?" The monk sounded a bit concerned as he realized what exactly this was. After all, he read the reports about what happened to Yamamotto.

"Funny story, true story", Ichigo said while tossing the medallion up in the air a few times.

FLASHBACK

"This isn't over!" Yhwach finally had enough of being beaten down and decided to return to the shadows to heal and fight another day. "I'll be back!" The man's shadow began engulfing him, but Ichigo just stood by and watched with a smile. When Yhwach finally retreated to the shadows where the Vandenreich once resided he began making plans to recuperate and get revenge, but paused hearing what sounded like a piano followed by singing.

" _We'll meet again! Don't know where, don't know when!"_ Ichigo was already in the shadow world sitting at a black grand piano wearing a black top hat. " _But I know we'll meet again some sunny day_!" Finishing the song he grinned over at a shocked Yhwach. "Oh hello, nice shadow realm, so this is where Yugi sends people when he wins at card games"

"How are you here!?" Yhwach screamed, this was impossible, only his Quincies could cross the shadows into this world.

"What part of my power is the past did you not understand?", Ichigo continued to play the keys. "It wasn't hard to send a version of me back and destroy your little shadow realm leaving it empty", he gestured around showing that indeed everything in this place completely void now. "But where did I get a piano? Even I don't know", Yhwach was once again shocked, why didn't he see this coming? The answer was because Ichigo controlled the past and he could only see the future not the past. He was then surrounded by dozens of Ichigo's copies that held his limbs in place. "Sorry old man but you're being evicted", Ichigo kicked Yhwach right in the balls ejected him straight out of the shadows and back into the throne room where the real Ichigo was waiting.

"Hello again!", Ichigo smiled at the pained man while sipping tea from a porcelain cup. "Have you seen that guy that was going to kill you? I think he looked like this", he chuckled pointing at his own face. "Ow! getting kicked in the crotch hurts doesn't it", Ichigo took another sip of his tea. "You know what also hurts? Hot tea in your face", he laughed while he threw the scalding hot liquid in Yhwach's face. The king screamed as his skin burned like hell.

"Damn you!" The man growled.

"Face punch!" Ichigo socked him one in the jaw.

"Stop it!"

"Face punch!" In the nose.

"Stop!"

"Face punch!" In the temple.

"Son of a…"

"Face punch!" And in the jaw again.

Ichigo just laughed at his pain and continued where he left off. Delivering several blows the old man's face, punching both of his kidney's, shattering a kneecap thanks to a well-placed kick followed by an elbow to the Yhwach's shoulder blade, breaking it and sending him sprawling to the floor.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit", Yhwach couldn't seem to stop bleeding as he fell to his hands and knees.

"The crowd becomes silent as Ichigo prepares for the kick", Ichigo spoke softly as he stood a few yards away making sure his aim was on point. "And the punt!" He ran at Yhwach kicking him hard right in the face, knocking a handful of teeth out and sending him flying into a nearby pillar that nearly shattered upon the man's impact. "GOAL! The crowd goes wild!"

"Gah! You little bastard!" Yhwach could barely stand, he had never taken such a beating like this or any beating at all in his long life.

"Such a shame. The father of the Quincies, the almighty, the guy who invaded soul society and the soul palace. How did he end up in such a sad state? Oh yeah! Me!" Ichigo laughed gleefully while watching him struggle to get back up.

"What the hell do you want from me?!" The king shouted, getting desperate.

"Its simple…I want you to die", Ichigo said with a cheerful smile. "Hold on let me clarify, I don't just want you to die, I want your whole legacy to die. I want your very name to die. You Yhwach will be nothing more than a pathetic joke. When anyone speaks of you, they will only laugh and say what an arrogant fool you were, how you thought that you could rule everything and how the great Ichigo Kurosaki put you in your proper place", Ichigo chuckled thinking about what the future history books will say. "That will be your true legacy Yhwach, a good laugh", the old man screamed some incoherent nonsense in a fit of rage.

"This is just sad, you want me to end it now and save you any further embarrassment?" Ichigo asked sincerely.

"How dare you!" The old man screamed. How dare this impudent child stand there looking down on him?

"I mean look at you. Bruised and bleeding, the Almighty power that you relied on like a crutch has been rendered useless by my own power, and the Quincy powers you stole are mere tinker toys against me", Ichigo held his arms out. "What else you got!?" He grinned widely. Yhwach gritted his teeth from the pain of his various wounds as he tried to come up with something. None of this was right, he should be winning, not this smug teenager. He saw the future, but why didn't he see the difference between their strengths?

"You're probably wondering with your power to see into the future why you couldn't see the vast difference between our strengths?" Ichigo could read him like a boring open book in Japanese. "The answer is simple, I surpassed you a long time ago. It wasn't that hard to do, like running a race against a man who stands perfectly still and never goes anywhere. Even with all your future manipulation you never once moved forward, evolved or grew up, stuck in a never ending cycle of leeching off others, a worthless existence", Yhwach glared at him with as much hate as possible, each of his big gooey eyes twitched with mad fury.

"Fine then", Yhwach suddenly smirked and reached into his pocket for a certain object. "If my power can't kill you Ichigo, then I'll erase you with the power of the strongest shinigami in history!" he shouted pointing a white medallion at his opponent.

"Ah! So that's how you beat Yama, cheating. Well played", Ichigo smiled not concerned in slightest that Yhwach was threatening him with the most powerful bankai ever. "Should I be concerned?"

"You should be afraid!" The old man shook the medallion pissed off by the boy's lack of fear.

"Do you see me flinching? You don't have the balls, literally if that kick was anything to go by, nor do you have what it takes to even wield it properly", Ichigo just chuckled keeping his arms open as if to say 'Take your best shot', this just infuriated the Quincy king even further.

"BANKAI! Zanka no Tachi!" A mass of swirling fire erupted from the medallion. The flames then vanished condensing down into a sword he quickly fashioned out of reishi "Now turn to dust Ichigo Kurosaki!" Yhwach charged at him with a mad look on his face laughing almost hysterically as he swung his blade at the young man who still stood stock still. The sword made contact with Ichigo's shoulder and…nothing happened. "What!" He then tried to burn Ichigo with a cloak of fire that was supposed to shield him but again nothing happened.

"Oh my! What's happening?" Ichigo said sarcastically. Yhwach leaped back and stabbed his blade in the ground in an attempt to summon an army of charred skeletons, but only ashes and dust that blew away in the breeze appeared. He even tried to obliterate the still smirking Ichigo with Zanka no Tachi North, but nothing came out of his blade, not even a single ember.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Yhwach screamed having finally lost his sense of reason and needed to blame someone for his current misfortune.

"I didn't do anything", Ichigo said in a cheeky tone.

"LIAR!" The old man argued.

"Let me explain something to you brat", Ichigo began to slowly walk towards him menacingly. "A shinigami's Zanpakuto, is not a weapon, it's not a tool, it's not an ally, a friend, a comrade, nor is it a piece of our souls", He stopped directly in front of the Quincy. "A Zanpakuto is us, the very essence of our spirits forged into a blade", Ichigo grabbed Yhwach's wrist, the one holding the medallion and snapped it like a toothpick making the other cry out. "Did you honestly believe the very essence of old man Yama, the most stubborn strong willed person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing would ever in a million years let you of all people, a lowly parasitic spoiled brat, use his power?"

"What?!WHAT?! **WHAT?!** " Yhwach had never been so confused.

"Its hilarious how much you know about shinigami yet you understand nothing", Ichigo laughed as he tossed the medallion containing Yamamotto's bankai in his hand. "Brats shouldn't take what doesn't belong to them", Yhwach shook with pure rage as everything had come undone by this wretched boy. The only future reflected in his eyes was Ichigo laughing at him, Ichigo standing over his defeated body laughing, Ichigo decapitating him while laughing. Ichigo laughing at him, Ichigo laughing. Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing at him.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The Quincy king yelled his lungs out bring his fist forward and punching Ichigo Kurosaki in his smug laughing face as hard as he possibly could. A small shock wave shook the silbern castle, and dozens of spider web cracks appeared on the floor beneath them. Ichigo…didn't even budge. He stood still with a fist pressed to his cheek and a smile on his face, he didn't even recoil from the impact.

"You call that a punch?" Ichigo asked. "I pound Orihime harder than that!" He chuckled removing the shocked man's fist from his face. "Let me show you how a man throws a punch", Ichigo cocked his fist back and rammed it into Yhwach's stomach. The force of his punch was easily much more powerful than the old man's, having shattered several surrounding pillars and making a small crater beneath them.

"Guh!" The Quincy couldn't even scream properly, he was in too much pain for that. Organs and muscles turned to pudding, the very impact caused all of the big gooey eyeballs that covered his body to pop like water balloons and the black reishi on his face to fly off revealing his original terrified eyes that seemed to be leaking a substance known as tears.

"Yeah my Hime likes it when I get rough", Ichigo chuckled as he tossed him to the floor like a ragdoll. Yhwach could only slightly lift his broken face as blood gushed from his mouth eyes and nose. "Awe, that's a cute face", Ichigo took out his phone and kneeled down next to the defeated king, lifting him up by the hair to take a selfie with his fucked up face. "Say strawberry!" He chuckled taking the pic then dropping the old man's head. "That's going to make an awesome screensaver", typing a few numbers he sent the picture to Kisuke's phone.

FLASHBACK END

"And that's how I got this", Ichigo waved the medallion at the monk.

"Now Ichigo, do you even know how to use that?" Ichibe actually sounded a bit nervous.

"Does that really matter?" Ichigo narrowed his eyes with grin. "The question you should be asking is, how much will this hurt? I think it might hurt…like a shit ton"

"I don't think you'll use that Ichigo", the monk said regaining his confidence.

"For realsies?"

"Yes, I think your bluffing"

"You think I'm bluffing?"

"I think your bluffing!"

"He thinks I'm bluffing?"

"I think your bluffing!"

"Then bluff this!" Ichigo gripped the medallion. "Bankai! Zanka no Tachi!" It was over in a flash. Ichibe Hyosube was still standing there which was surprising since a good chunk of his left side was gone, vaporized into nothing, not even ashes. "WHOA! THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!" Ichigo looked down at the medallion in shock, and here he thought Yamamotto's spirit wouldn't budge for him.

"Ichi…go", the monk finally collapsed dead.

"Let that be a lesson", the soul king smirked walking over to his corpse. "Alright I guess I got to Beetlejuice you back right?" Receiving no answer he decided to do just that. "Ichibe Hyosube", after a few seconds of gory regeneration the head of squad zero was back whole and alive.

"That really hurt Ichigo", the monk smiled sitting down on the floor.

"I told you it wouild", Ichigo sat down across from him. "What a fun afternoon this turned out to be"

"Let's do it again some time", Ichibe Hyosube grinned having enjoyed the challenge.

"You're on", Ichigo said pulling out a grape flavored lollypop and putting it in his mouth.

* * *

 **See I told you the Bounts would get a mention in this chapter.**

 **A good chunk of this was a deleted scene from the final battle in Candy. I took it out because I thought it was too weird, but I regret it now.**

 **I remember the Bankai medallion thing, we all remember that, the only one who forgot was Kubo himself. I'm sorry, correction he didn't have time. I don't know how making these manga chapters work, but if Kubo just took a month or two off to get his health in order and work out the climax of his series to have it make more sense than the rushed end we got, I would have patiently waited and I bet the Bleach fans would have waited too. Manga fans are incredibly patient people, we will wait for content however long it takes.**

 **Did anybody catch the Bill Cipher reference in this? The main inspiration for this crazy weird version of Ichigo was Deadpool, but there was also a bit of Bill Cipher in there, some Beetlejuice, and a tiny bit of the Master/Missy.**

 **Speaking of fun crazy characters. Would anybody like to see me give the same treatment to Naruto. A friend of mine gave me an idea for a Naruto story, and I really liked it. I've been writing a bunch of notes for it lately and I think I got something here. Its sort of a parody on the Naruto villain AU stories, maybe with a tiny bit of a crossover. I'll probably start writing it after I'm done with these one off chapters.**

 **Thanks for reading. Peace out.**


	6. Chapter 6

**THE CLICHÉ BEACH EPISODE**

"So how's the repairs to the seireitei coming along?" Kyoraku asked his assembled captains. They just got through the attack on soul society from the bounts. These people mounted a surprise assault on them, but were quickly dealt with and finished off along with their leader Jin Kariya being defeated by Kenpachi.

"Surprisingly well", Ukitake smiled at his friend now head captain.

"Knock! Knock! It's the big bad wolf!" A voice shouted from outside the double doors to the meeting hall.

"Oh no", Renji whispered knowing who it was already.

"Let's just get this over with", Kirinji sighed as the doors were thrown open revealing the soul king Ichigo Kurosaki.

"My peeps! What did I miss? Please fill me in", Ichigo skipped into the meeting hall.

"Does he know?" Toshiro asked.

"Know what?" Ichigo smiled looking around at them.

"No he doesn't", Ukitake whispered putting his finger to his lips.

"It has to do with that phone call a few days ago about the bounts", Kyoraku swallowed nervously.

"That was real?" The soul king continued to smile. "I thought that was prank call", his smile never wavered as they told him about the bount attack. They also filled him in on the history of the bounts, how they were indirectly created by the shinigami's experiments in the past and how the previous central forty six ordered them to be exterminated a long time ago.

"So your telling me", Ichigo paced up and down the hall. "This problem was just sitting around and no one was doing anything about it? Is that the gist?" He looked somewhere between rage and amusement. To him it was pretty much the Muramasa thing all over again. Seriously, after everything they had been through, these idiots still let another invasion walk right into the seireitei.

"Yes", Kyoraku said not liking the other's growing temperament.

"Ichigo!" Yoruichi appeared in burst of flash step interrupting the meeting. "I need your phone to talk to Kisuke", he tossed her his phone without a word and she vanished in another flash.

"So my question to you assholes", Ichigo smirked. "When central forty six originally ordered these poor bount creatures to holocausted. Did anybody think to go over their heads to the soul king himself and bring up issues about exterminating an entire intelligent sentient race?" Some of the older captains looked away in shame. Shinji mumble something quietly. "Please Shinji share what you know with the rest of the class"

"I said", the Vizard cleared his throat quickly. "We couldn't go directly to the soul king for anything"

"And who told you that?" Ichigo appeared next to him with an arm around the blonde's shoulder.

"Central…forty…six", his eyes widened for a moment and then face palmed at the stupidity. In fact almost all the captains were internally face palming. They always took what central said back then as holy gospel and never questioned or went around them. Ichigo even made a note of bringing that up back when Aizen killed them all and impersonated them. He said they were idiot attack dogs that bark and bite at whatever central told them to do. And he was completely right, it was incredibly foolish not to question their decisions.

"You know I was going over the previous soul king's journals and scrolls. He was always concerned that no one came to him with complaints or problems", that just further drove the point home as Ichigo walked past all of them. "Segway time, please tell me that this bount attack was dealt with swiftly and efficiently with the minimal amount of damage?" Ichigo clasped his hands together as if he was praying.

"Do you want the truth of the sugar coated version?" Renji asked.

"As much as I love sugar, truth please" Ichigo ran a frustrated hand though his hair as some of the captains listed off the amount of collateral damage that was caused. The icing on the cake however was once again the lack of coordination and tactical strategize on the Gotei thirteen's part. Ichigo couldn't help but let out a hollow laugh. "Oh man", wiping the fake tears from his eyes. "You know, the only thing keeping me from firing all of you…is the fact that finding replacements for you idiots would be a gigantic pain in my ass!" Walking up to Hitsugaya he grabbed his cheeks and stared at him in the eye. "Do you get that pretty boy? The only thing saving your jobs is my own laziness", letting him go he continued to pace in front of the assembled captains. He paused when he passed a new captain in the spot for squad three and walked backwards a few paces. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Shusuke Amagai. The new captain of squad three your majesty", the new captain bowed respectfully.

"Oh nononononono! You get one warning cause you're new, but do not ever refer to me as that!" Ichigo growled out while shaking in anger.

"A-as w-what?" Amagai stuttered feeling the king's all powerful reiatsu, well just a glimpse of it.

"Your majesty. Don't ever. Ever! Call me that", Ichigo pointed down at him. Your majesty was what that old fuck Yhwach had his piece of shit Nazis call him and he refused to be compared to that worthless pile of wrinkled flesh in anyway. "Its Ichigo Sama, Kurosaki Sama, or if you prefer Dark Lord Ichigo Kurosaki. Got that?" Amagai quickly nodded in agreement. "Good", and just like that he smiled and his reiatsu was gone.

"Alright Kyoraku! Let's go to your office", Ichigo announced walking out of the meeting room.

"Why?" Shunsui asked following behind him,

"I find it easier when my anger is directed at a single person than a whole room of INCOMPETENT TWATS!" He shouted back making sure the captains all heard him.

IN THE OFFICE

"Seriously, how difficult is it to strategize?" Ichigo questioned while rubbing his temples. He sat at Kyoraku's desk going over the amount of damage caused by the battles with the bounts. "Every time soul society is attacked your counter attack plan is always attack the enemy back".

"But It works", Kyoraku argued.

"Not all the time", Ichigo replied.

"Ichigo!" Yoruichi appeared next to him and smacked him upside the head.

"What I do this time?" Ichigo asked rubbing his head.

"First of all. You have way too many naked pictures of Orihime on your phone", she pointed at him accusingly much to the head captain's amusement.

"I don't have enough actually", Ichigo corrected while making a pouting face. "And why were you going through my pictures?"

"But more importantly", Yoruichi scowled at him and showed his list of contacts. "Why am I listed as Sexy Kitten!?" She yelled. Ichigo just chuckled and took his phone back.

"Actually you're listed as Flash Goddess", He pointed out showing her the contacts.

"Wait what? Then whose Sexy Kitten?"

"That's Grimmjow", Ichigo said without missing a beat. Yoruichi fell over in shock, and then left with a huff of frustration and a tad bit of jealousy that someone else got her rightful title.

"Any other good news?" Ichigo wondered sarcastically.

"Well, this doesn't have anything to do with the bounts, but Shuehei Hisagi is requesting to rejoin the Gotei", Kyoraku said showing him the request form.

"That is the last thing I needed to hear right now!" Ichigo shouted punching the desk. "That pussy Hisagi wants to rejoin! I gave him ten years to get his shit together! And he wants to come back early! It hasn't even been one fucking year!" His reiatsu kept raising higher and higher with every sentence.

"Can't we cut the kid a break?" Shunsui pleaded. "Maybe give him some sort of test?" Ichigo's spiritual pressure decreased as he got a wickedly evil grin on his face.

"Oh yes. A test for him", the orange haired king chuckled and took his phone back out, hit the call button for Sexy Kitten and waited.

" _What do you want Kurosaki?"_ Grimmjow's voice growled over the phone.

"Grimmjow! Buddy! My second favorite kitty cat!"

" _Just say what you fucking want_!"

"I need a favor, I have this ex-shinigami that needs to get tested before he rejoins, and not for STDs. Basically I want you to fight him"

" _Fight him? I'll fucking destroy him!"_

"No sweetie, you can't kill him. You can kick his ass though"

" _Really?"_

"Yeah, you can do whatever you want to Shuehei Hisagi as long as he's relatively alive at the end"

" _What's in it for me?"_

"Catnip, a mousy toy and a new scratching post"

" _Fuck you"_

"Alright, how about this. Your Grimmjow card is half expired. I'll give you a brand new one if you do this", there was a short silent pause followed by the arrancar's response.

" _Deal!"_

"Good, I'll send him your way in three days. Happy hunting"

" _Get fucked"_

"I'm trying" And they hung up on each other.

"A Grimmjow Card?" Kyoraku asked.

"Since he wants to fight me so badly we worked out an arrangement", Ichigo explained. "I gave him a card that he can use for ten fights. Every fight I stamp one of the slots and when he runs out he has to leave me alone for four months. After that I send him a new card, rinse and repeat"

"That's clever", the head captain nodded his head.

"Yes, but whatever you do don't tell Kenpachi about this arrangement or he'll want a card too", Ichigo shivered in horror. "One psychopath I can deal with but two? Not fucking likely", he huffed sitting back in the chair looking over more damage reports. "You know what, I'm too mad right now. I need a beach trip to get over this"

"A beach trip sounds wonderful", Kyoraku smiled seeing this as an opportunity to get the king out of everyone's hair and hopefully finish repairs.

"Glad we're in agreement", Ichigo stood up and started walking towards the door. "Well I'm off to go invite friends and twist arms"

THE NEXT MORNING

"AH! This is the life", Ichigo smiled seeing the sand and ocean. "Our own private beach to enjoy ourselves".

"Speak for yourself", Hitsugaya grumbled trying to shield his face from the sun. He wasn't a sunny day person.

"At least we got some eye candy to look at", Renji smirked watching the women they brought along strut down the beach in their new bikinis. Orihime was here wearing a very hot white two piece, Yoruichi dressed in orange and yellow floral two piece, Rangiku in a peach two piece and Rukia in a dark blue one piece.

"Yeah we do", Ichigo grinned perversely. It took only a few minutes to set up the umbrellas, towels and chairs, which was all they really needed. Orihime sat down and started to rub some sun block on her arms and stomach but soon realized that she wasn't able to reach her own back.

"Yoruichi-san?" Orihime smiled at the woman with a bottle in her hand. "Could you put the sun lotion on my back?"

"Of course", Yoruichi smirked taking the bottle. Orihime moved over to the beach towel and laid stomach down. The flash goddess untied the back of her bikini top and poured the lotion down her back. She then began slowly rubbing it all over her back, her shoulder blades, her lower back and even going over her lovely hips. Orihime blushed and let out tiny little moans, enjoying the hands roaming her body.

"Is this really happening?" Renji asked watching the whole erotic scene.

"Hush. You'll break the spell", Ichigo whispered enjoying the hot girl on girl action. It got even better when Rangiku walked over.

"Hey don't forget the legs", the lieutenant grabbed the lotion and rubbed it into Orihime's thighs.

"This is hot", Ichigo said filming it with his phone while Hitsugaya fainted and Renji ran off to find a restroom.

"Idiots", Rukia mumbled watching both the other women rub down Orihime and the men going gaga over it.

"Ah. Let them have their fun", Ukitake smiled, happy that his new healthy state allowed him to enjoy this little beach trip. "Even though he yelled at us earlier, Ichigo was nice enough to invite us here".

After fully setting up and having some fun in the sand and surf Ichigo and Orihime sat together on adjacent beach chairs. He then discreetly started speaking to her in sign language. They both learned how so they could secretly communicate during all those boring meetings with the noble clans.

' _Sex on the beach?'_ He signed.

' _The drink?'_ Orihime signed back.

' _No the super-hot intercourse'_

' _Are you crazy?'_

' _Of course I am'_

' _No'_

' _Come on, please'_ With puppy eyes.

' _No'_

' _I promise no one will catch us'_ Orihime took a long moment to think about before responding.

' _Okay'_

' _Sweet. Wait for my signal then meet me behind those rocks'_ , it was then that Yoruichi walked up to the couple and did a few hand signs of her own.

' _You're not the only ones that know sign language'_

' _Want to join in? I'll mess you up pussy cat_ ' Ichigo signed to her. Yoruichi just smiled grabbed him and then hurled him far into the ocean. After dusting her hands off, she quietly sat down in Ichigo's seat. Orihime slinked off towards the rocks while she was distracted. What Yoruichi didn't know was that throwing Ichigo was the signal.

GUEST APPEARANCES

"So you see, when you play Titanic backwards it actually has a happy ending", Ichigo finished explaining.

"Is that a fact?" Rukia said sarcastically. They were still hanging out on the beach chairs when suddenly a garganta opened up near them. Everyone jumped to attention reaching for the Zanpakuto's they didn't have with them excluding Ichigo.

"Stand down", He chuckled leaning back in his chair. "Did you forget I can sense hollows before they even arrive?" Ichigo stood up from his seat and walked over to the dark portal. "Hello!" He waved at the figure coming out, knowing already who it was. A teal blur dashed out of the garganta and proceeded to glomp him.

"Ichigo!" Neliel shouted with her arms around him. She was dressed in a bikini top that matched the color of her long flowing hair and was just a tad bit too small for her rather impressive assets. Below that she wore a pair of white short shorts showing off her ridiculously beautiful legs.

"Neliel, always good to see you", Ichigo was truly surprised by this, he didn't recall inviting her which he now regretted after seeing her in all her half naked glory. "How did you know we were here though?"

"Miss Yoruichi invited me!" She exclaimed. "She also delivered this outfit, she said you'd like it"

"Really now? One moment please", He disappeared in a burst of speed and appeared next to the flash goddess. "Alright what are you up to?"

"Did you forget who it was that taught you how to stir up some entertainment?" She smiled while directing her gaze elsewhere. Ichigo followed her eyes and spotted his Hime watching from a distance. Judging by the cold look on her face and the way she kept staring at Neliel it was obvious what was going on. In other words, if jealousy had a name right now it was Orihime Inoue. She suddenly put a smile on her face and walked over to the arrancar.

"Hi Nel!" She said happily as the two embraced glad to see each other again. Everything seemed fine between them, but he knew better.

"You're playing a dangerous game kitty cat", Ichigo warned.

"Am I?" Yoruichi asked mockingly with a raised brow.

"I'll have you know, that I am the only person who has ever been on the receiving end of her anger and survived", he said thinking back to that dead sternritter and those foolish assassins. "It was the best fear boner I've ever had"

"Maybe I didn't think this through", she started to grow doubtful of her evil plan to cause trouble as she watched Orihime drag Neliel over to the chairs so they could chat and hopefully nothing else.

 _For the rest of this conversation Orihime and Neliel will be speaking in code that is called Secret Girl Language. I will put in the translations in bold text so you understand what is really being said._

"So how are you and Ichigo lately? It must be interesting with him being the new soul king now", Nel asked. Translation: **"If you two break up I'll be there to pounce on his dick in a heartbeat"**

"It's a lot to get used to, but we've been managing just fine", Orihime chuckled lightly. Translation: **"Keep your paws off my man bitch!"**

"That's good to hear", the arrancar woman smiled cheerfully. Translation: **"Your lucky people are watching"**

"I know Ichigo's enjoying himself", Orihime smiled back. Translation: **"You wouldn't even know what to do with his shredded body"**

"I bet he is", Neliel said. Translation: **"I know exactly what to do with that delicious body of his, lick every inch of it"**

"Hehehe", Orihime giggled lightly and looked away. Translation: **"Is that really a road you want to go down with me?"**

"What a nice a day for a visit", Neliel sighed. Translation: **"Fine let's have a truce before we end up trying to kill each other"**

"It sure is", Orihime nodded. Translation: **"Agreed"**

SURPRISE SURFING

"Shunko", Ichigo chuckled as he activated his gravity Shunko and started making a pulling motion with his arms towards the ocean. Renji was wading out in the water unaware of what was about to happen.

"What are you doing Ichigo?" Rukia asked while watching him continue making pulling motions at the ocean.

"Trying to drown your boy toy", Ichigo smirked, deactivating his Shunko. "Wait for it", they only had to wait a less than a minute as a giant title wave came rolling in. Renji turned around in the water just in time to see it looming over him.

"Oh shi-", the water came crashing down on top of him.

"Hahahaha! Surfs up Red!" Ichigo laughed, grabbed his surf board and ran to the water. More equally large waves that he made with his Shunko came in, giving him plenty to surf on. "Later pussies!"

"That sounds like a challenge!" Yoruichi yelled, grabbing her own board and chasing after him.

"This looks like fun", Rangiku grabbed a spare couple of boards handing one off to Toshiro.

"I don't surf", He said looking at the board.

"Neither do I, let's learn together", Grabbing his hand she dragged him into the water leaving only one behind.

"So is Renji dead?" Rukia wondered.

SAND SCULPTURE CONTEST

"I call it 'Epic Hubris', my masterpiece", Ichigo grinned showing his large sand sculpture. Basically it was a super realistic statue of himself punching Yhwach in the face. "So do I have a shot at first prize or what?" He looked over at the competition. Rukia's looked like a big lumpy rabbit, Renji and Ikkaku attempted to make some sort of house that fell apart at the foundation, Orihime and Rangiku tried to make a big fox, and Toshiro was forced to help Yoruichi make a big replica of her cat form. All of their sculptures were hideous and messy.

"Well Ichigo certainly has the most artistic talent", Ukitake laughed lightly. "I think we have a winner"

"Oh come on that's not fair!" Rukia shouted.

"In your face shorty!" Ichigo chuckled.

"Shut up!"

"Make me!" Ichigo laughed at her.

"Now calm down everyone, Ichigo one fair and square", Ukitake tried to keep a fight from starting.

"That's right! Now what do I win?"

"What do you mean?"

"The prize! What kind of prize did I win?"

"Oh there is no prize, I tried to tell you all that at the beginning"

"So you're telling me that I just made a sand statue of me decking old prune face for nothing?"

"You had fun doing it didn't you?"

"Of course I did, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"All you do is for the sake of your own fun and amusement!" Rukia clarified.

"True, but I was hoping to win a cash prize", Ichigo pouted.

"You're the Soul King! What do you need money for!?" Rukia practically screamed at him.

"I don't", Ichigo chuckled. "But it's not about winning money for myself it's about taking it away from you lot"

"You're a sick twisted man Ichigo", Renji scowled at.

"Would you like me if I was anything less?"

LATER THAT EVENING

The sun was down and everyone was now dressed in dry clothes gathered around a fire. They decided to go around taking turns telling stories from their past. That was until Rangiku got an idea and turned to the most famous couple in soul society.

"So Ichigo, what was your first time with Orihime like?" She asked making everyone blush at the question.

"Really?" Ichigo asked with a mouth full of his s'more. "You're asking me about the first time I made sweet sugary love to my Hime?"

"No not that", Rangiku quickly corrected. "I want to know what your first date was like"

"Oh! Well let me set the scene for you", Ichigo grinned and began his story.

FIRST DATE- ICHIGO'S VERSION

Orihime was busy strutting down the street in the Rukongai, bored and looking for something to do. She was dressed in a Japanese school girl outfit with a ridiculously short skirt and a shirt with the top few buttons undone showing off her cleavage. Just then a motorcycle rolled up next to her (pick a cool bike). Straddling it was Ichigo wearing a leather jacket, white tank top, leather pants and Zanpakuto strapped to his back. He popped his skull mask off and smirked at her in charming way.

"Hey baby, what's a place like you doing in a girl like this?" Ichigo said while leaning over his bike.

"I'm just looking for a good time", Orihime cocked her hips. "Know where a girl can find one of those"

"Hop on my bike and I'll show you", He winked at her. Orihime smiled and straddled the bike behind him, gripping Ichigo's torso with both arms. "Hold on tight baby", and with that he peeled out.

He took Orihime on a ride throughout the town where they stopped at a nice a restaurant where the food was on the house, because the owner said Ichigo was just so awesome that he deserved a free meal. Afterwards he took her to a romantic spot in the woods where they were attacked by a couple hollows.

"Stand aside sweetie, let me take care of these assholes", Ichigo popped his jacket off and draped it on her shoulders. "Hold on to this for me", unsheathing his Zanpakuto he took off and sliced through the vicious creatures, bifurcating the first and slicing the other's head clean off. For some reason the hollows exploded into a blast of fire which Ichigo just casually walked through as he returned to his girl.

"Wow that was amazing!" Orihime clapped. "You're the best Ichigo!"

"Of course I am", Ichigo walked over and picked her up princess style.

"I want to have you babies", Orihime wrapped her arms around his neck. "Let's get started right now"

"With pleasure", he said right before he planted his first kiss on her.

END

"That's not how it happened", Orihime cut him off while blushing bright red from his story.

"Well it is a little embellished", Ichigo replied.

"So how did the date really go?" Rangiku asked, this time to Orihime.

"Here's what really happened", she began.

FIRST DATE- ORIHIME'S VERSION

Orihime was walking down the street in normal sensible clothes, going down to the market area of this district to get some food with the money she earned. She stopped when a large object blocked her path it. It was a pretty white horse and on top of the stallion was her best friend and roommate for the past several years. Ichigo was dressed in his torn and faded jeans, and that was it. His chest was bare showing off his impressive pecs and abs that she secretly wanted to touch. Unfortunately it would be inappropriate because they were just friends.

"My dear Orihime", Ichigo started jumping off the horse and kneeling down in front of her. "Would you allow me to take a fare maiden such as you out to dinner tonight", taking her hand he laid a gentle kiss along her knuckles. Orihime thought about for a moment and agreed.

"I would love to Ichigo", she beamed at him.

"Excellent!" He smiled back and made arrangements to go out tonight.

Later that evening Ichigo, now dressed in a nice suit and tie, took Orihime, who wore a fancy white dress, went out to the nicest restaurant in their district. They talked, Ichigo was polite and well mannered, for once not crazy and weird.

END

"Wow!" Yoruichi exclaimed with a laugh. "You two are both delusional"

"Wait her version is wrong too?" Rangiku asked.

"Incredibly wrong. This is what really happened", Yoruichi told the truth of what their first date was actually like.

FIRST DATE-WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

"Hey kitty face", Ichigo said hello while reading his book. Yoruichi approached him in her cat form. They were sitting on the roof of a building in the Rukongai. Ichigo had his black hooded jacket and mask on, taking a break from hollow hunting.

"Hey strawberry boy", she shot back, jumping on his lap. "What are you reading?"

"Stephen King's Carrie", Ichigo said as he kept reading. "It started out sad, but I'm pretty sure it's going to have a happy ending. She just got crowned prom queen", he then turned the page and frowned at what he read. "Oh no! Come the fuck on!" snapping the book closed he tossed it away in anger and took off his skull mask.

"I guess you were wrong", the cat chuckled.

"Well, since you're here, can I ask you for some advice", Ichigo started petting her gently.

"What do you need?"

"There's this girl, that I like, and I wanted to ask her out on a date"

"Its Orihime", Yoruichi stated without question.

"How did you know?"

"Who's the only girl that you hang out with nearly all the time?" The cat dead panned.

"Okay fair enough. So how do I go about this?" Ichigo asked lifting her up in the air to face him. "Tell me the secrets"

"Just ask her out", Yoruichi sweat dropped. "Why are you even asking about this? Unless your…", Ichigo turned red in embarrassment. "Oh my god! You're actually shy!?"

"No! It's actually more complicated than that", Ichigo put her down. "I think I might be in love with Hime, like super in love. To the point that if she rejects me, then it will kill me. I won't die physically, but I'll be dead on the inside"

'Oh this is too perfect', Yoruichi thought with amusement. Just recently she had a similar conversation with Orihime. That girl had the hots for Ichigo and wanted to know what she should do about it and now she knew that he felt same everything was lining up nicely.

"I'm sorry Ichigo I didn't know you were a coward", She said with a mocking tone. Ichigo gripped her tighter.

"What did you just say?" He glared darkly at her

"A coward, the Ichigo I know would have manned the hell up and ask her out by now", she replied. "But hey if you don't have the balls to do it you can keep pining after forever"

"You little furry bitch", Ichigo laughed while he started shaking her. "I'll show you! I'll go ask her out right now!" He tossed the cat aside and jumped off the building he was sitting on. Locking on to her spirit energy he took off into a sprint.

"Oh I got to see this", Yoruichi chuckled following after hm.

Orihime was walking down the dirt road daydreaming about a certain someone who she saw shirtless recently and boy was he ripped. 'No! Bad! I shouldn't be thinking like that about my best friend!', she snapped herself out of her little fantasy. Unfortunately the object of her affection came running up to her from the opposite end of the street.

"Hey! Orihi-", he tripped on his own feet when he tried to stop and landed flat on his face.

"Um. Hi Ichigo", she looked confused as she looked down at him.

"Embarrassing, great start fuck head", Ichigo whispered to himself as he stood back up. Dusting himself off he suddenly went stiff remembering why he was here. This was going to be hard. "Oh! Hey Orihime!"

"Now I was wondering", no that won't work.

"I was hoping", no

"There are times when I look at you", no

"I want to stick my", hell fucking no, don't say that you idiot.

"Um", Orihime stared at him with curiosity.

"Oh shit was I saying all that out loud?" Ichigo flushed embarrassed again. "Alright! I'm just going to spit it right out!" He started sweating. "I was wondering…", he took a moment to take a deep breath. "If you wanted to…", A nervous swallow. "Wanted to go…", rubbing his arm awkwardly. "Go…on…a…date", refusing to meet her eyes he finished. "With me", Orihime was too stunned to reply making him think this was a sign of rejection. "Look I know I don't have much to offer, I'm not the nicest jerk wad in this district, but I've liked you since the day we met"

"Yes", Orihime interrupted.

"I'm sorry what?"

"I said yes", She smiled at him. "So what do you have in mind for our first date?"

"I don't know I didn't think I'd get this far", Ichigo pondered for a moment. "Let's go out for dinner this evening and see where it goes from there".

"Alright I look forward to it", Orihime waved with a blush, it seemed her fantasy was coming true. Ichigo waved back feeling numb for some weird reason. It seems his worries were all for not, or maybe the excitement hadn't caught up to him yet.

END

"Then we had a nice dinner", Ichigo replied, cutting off her story. "Nothing else happened"

"You two went to a karaoke bar", Yoruichi continued.

"And then what happened?" Rukia smirked having a good idea of where this was going.

"I may have…uh", Ichigo's face turned mildly red in embarrassment. "I sang to her alright"

"He sang Heroes by David Bowie to me", Orihime chimed in.

"Hahahahaha! Oh my god you were such a dork!" Renji laughed.

"You know I thought you would be more sympathetic towards romantic blunders", Ichigo said as he glared at him. "After you made that nude pick for Rukia and accidentally sent it to Byakuya's phone"

"You swore you wouldn't tell anyone!" Renji screamed at him dashing forward with his fist raised. Ichigo easily caught him and put him in a head lock.

"I like it. I think its sweet", Rangiku spoke up.

"Speaking of Bowie, have you guys found him yet in the Rukongai?" Ichigo asked Ukitake.

"We put a word out, but nothings come up" The white haired captain smiled apologetically. "Why are you looking for this man?"

"I want him to sing at my wedding. Heroes is the first song I sang for my Hime and I want him to sing it at our wedding", Ichigo explained.

"That's very romantic", Rangiku gushed.

"What a heart throb you've grown into" Yoruichi mocked.

"And as for you kitty cat", Ichigo brought out his phone, pushed a few buttons quickly and smirked at her devilishly. "Revenge is sweet"

"What did you just do", the flash goddess asked while glaring at him.

"Remember that nude painting I did of you and my Hime? I saved a photo in a secret folder on my phone and I just sent it to…Soi Fon", Ichigo laughed pulling out a cherry lollypop and sticking it in his mouth. "Have fun with that"

"You bastard!" Yoruichi screamed and came dashing towards him.

"What? I gave her something to touch herself to. Maybe now she'll be a little less uptight", Ichigo continued to laugh as he dodged he fists.

"Why can't I have Ichigo's life?" Renji sighed. Ichigo got to see all this hot naked women, and was getting married to one of them.

"We should really do these beach trips more often", Ukitake chuckled having fun despite the conflict they just recently averted.

* * *

 **Wow sorry for the long awaited update. I've been really depressed lately and it makes it hard to write. Joy doesn't always find you, sometimes you have to look for it. For example, one thing that has been putting me in a good mood recently is that I finally checked out My Hero Academia, and OMG its sooo good! Its been a long time since I've been this in love with a series.**

* * *

 **As a reward for your patience here's some of Ichigo's insults I found in my notes that I never used.**

" **Look at me! I'm a crazy random insane person! Jokes! Memes! HaHaHa!**

" **Seriously Yhwach, what's with the big white cartoony google eyes? It looks like a kindergartener designed you"**

" **I would say that you've aged like milk Yhwach, but sour milk doesn't look that repulsive"**

" **Oh yes. Give me your evil plan. Cover me in your evil, all over my face"**

" **Let's all give a round of applause for Yhwach. Congratulations old man, you spent centuries growing fat on a diet of millions of Quincies, built an empire, an army, lost all of it. All for the effort to kill a limbless god stuck in a snow globe. Bravo! Let's not forget those poor stupid sternritters. What were they based around again? The Dewey Decimal System? Lucky Charms?"**

" **Can we pause the fight for a moment Aizen? I just need to ask. Why a butterfly? You look like a Disney princess with those wings, that hair, and that dress. Did the Hogyoku do this, or did you get to pick? Is this like Ghostbusters where you get to choose your god form or something?"**

" **Does it hurt being that ugly Yhwach, cause I got some painkillers I can loan you if it does"**

" **Yhwach, you look like someone hit you with an ugly stick, then kept hitting you over and over"**

" **Haschwald listen I need you to show me on this anatomically correct doll where Yhwach touched you"**

" **Maybe you wouldn't be in this situation if instead of gorging yourself on the powers of the Quincies, you could've, I don't know, done a few push-ups"**

" **Oh yes Aizen you're so villainous, so much so that you slick your hair back and yet a single lock of hair falls forward. That says I'm so evil even my hair won't follow orders"**

" **Hey Yhwach, I've been meaning to ask, does Batman know your wearing his cape? Or did you get this one on loan from Dracula?"**

" **Congratulations Yhwach, you now get to be part of a very special group called the 'I Know What Ichigo's Dick Tastes Like Club'. The group consists of the President Orihime, the vice president Aizen, then Ginjo, and now you" Ichigo smirked at him pulling his fist back. "If your wondering why Hime is the president, its because she's the only one that likes it!" He shouted as he bashed the old man's face in with his bare fist.**

" **Shinji close your mouth, every time you smile it reminds me to dust my piano"**

" **I want to say you hit like a girl, but I've actually been slapped in the face a few times by Orihime and holy hell did that hurt. She uses her whole freaking hand!"**

" **Why did you only cover the upper half of your face Yhwach? You should seriously consider covering the rest cause your face looks like nonsense and ugly had a baby and named it gross. Do you get what I'm saying old man? I'm calling you hideous"**

" **If I had money equal to how much of a threat you are to me, well…I'd be in extreme debt right now"**

" **You know Yhwach, I've met a lot of villains lately, but none as fucking boring as you. I mean you're a real boring fuck. My breakfast cereal is better written than you"**

" **I really should have seen this coming Ginjo, with your slicked back hair, slanted eyebrows and leather jacket. You're a walking villain cliché"**

" **You know prune face you did do something I thought was impossible. You made me miss Aizen"**

" **Now then, I'm going to pound you so hard that Orihime's going to get jealous"**

" **I know I've said this a bunch of times already Yhwach, but you're really ugly. Right now somewhere hanging in Dorian Gray's mansion is a painting of you that's slowly becoming more handsome"**

" **You're about to get fucked. And not the gentle love filled kind I save for Orihime. No the hateful aggressive kind I reserve for people like Aizen and Yhwach"**

" **Your…um…ugly. I know I keep going back to that Yhwach, but holy hell. With all your powers you couldn't fucking fix your face?"**

" **Oh! I see it now. Kubo took the Gary Oldman Dracula and combined it with Professor Snape to get you"**

" **Hey old man. Ever play a game called Bloodborne?" Ichigo chuckled as he shoved his bare hand into the man's torso. "Visceral attack!" Rummaging around in the screaming king's inside until he felt something soft and squishy. "Is that a kidney I feel, let's find out", Ichigo said as he violently tore it out. "Yup that's a kidney"**

" **For realsies Yhwach? You're surprised that I'm kicking you ass? You claimed that you knew about me since I was born and yet you just let me continue to get stronger for years, like the fucking biggest dumbass in the world. Now here we are, the end result of your mental retardation. It's all come full circle!"**

 **Some of these aren't that funny, and just incredibly mean. The last one is kind of a personal rant about villain clichés that I hate, hence why I cut it out. Seriously I hate villains that are like 'Oh I've known about you your whole life', okay then why didn't you take them out when it would have been easy? Why wait until they get strong and become a threat to you fool? I get it, every villain has to be their own downfall blah blah blah their own foolish arrogance led to blah blah.**

* * *

 **I was going to do a oneshot where Kisuke does an experiment with Ichigo and he ends up sent through the multiverse and has to find his way back. Basically its him in different anime. He was going to end up in the Fairy Tail universe and start hitting on all the women .Erza tries to smack him, but it just turns him on more. One was where he ends up in the early days of the Naruto series and Ichigo tells him that everything turns out great for him in the future, he also lies and says that Sasuke ends up super gay in the future. I'm not writing it because the paragraph you just read is about as far as I got.**

 **Also another important notice is that I've kind of run out of steam for this story. What that means is I've exhausted all my humor. Next chapter is going to be the end of this. It's also going to be a long one. It will include the wedding that I keep mentioning, tie up some last minute loose ends and all that. Don't know when I'll finish it, cause I want to throw in some scenes I didn't include in previous chapters. But that will be it for this.**

 **FUTURE BLEACH STORY**

 **I noticed some few writers on this section of the sight are posting their own how Bleach should have ended stories. I'm all for that, there's so much Kubo left unanswered and unexplained. In fact I think I might just throw my hat into the ring as well. Some friends and I have come up with some theories about certain character abilities and possible back stories. It's not going to be the whole thousand year arc, because I think most of it is really good. It will probably start right before the fights in the soul palace because I think that's where the arc started to go downhill. One big thing I'm definitely going to change is Ichigo's Bankai, I'm completely revamping it into what I think it should have been, because wow was it such a disappointment. Anyway look for this in the future.**


End file.
